Improvathons

Improvathon 2011 Liveblog

***Please note, this blog was written by someone who became extremely tired and had no concept of self censorship. ***

***IT CONTAINS EXTREMELY STRONG LANGUAGE FROM THE OUTSET AND REFERENCES THAT OUT OF CONTEXT SOUND A LOT WORSE THAN THEY ACTUALLY WERE. HONEST.YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***

Hello good people of the internet.  I am Doctor Captain Lee Isserow, and I am going to be live-blogging this ENTIRE  33.5 HOUR-LONG SHOW for you people, so that when you inevitably  turn up to see the thing, you’ll know EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON.

So, let’s get this biaatch on the road.



  • Episode 1 – Saturday, 1pm

The two families; the Woolfs and the Mandlebrots, have arrived at the hotel, awaiting the forthcoming wedding.

There’s been a murder – but Winifred is on the case, with Sunday the crime-fighting dog. Sunday can sometimes talk it seems. Like Scooby-Doo, but invisible.

(Aside: I can’t help but feel that Sunday’s crime-fighting escapades are based on those of my detective cat, Inspector Le Chat.)

I lost my pen.

The groom’s father died years previous in a hiphop-related accident, their matriarch  is out to discover whether or not the bride is in fact the heiress to a fortune.

Found my pen again.

Oh, and there was a musical number.

  • Episode 2 – Saturday, 3pm

Number-boggle was played, spelling words from numbers.  Turns out Uncle Mandlebrot can’t count – but doesn’t seem to have a problem telling the difference between singular and plural objects.

Grandma discovered a pirate, and the murder weapon… everything’s starting to make sense. Maybe.

A man claiming to be a relation of the groom has appeared, with no memory of who he is – just an invitation to the wedding in the name of Fibonacci Mandlebrot.

Metaphorical chess was played.  Scrabble, Checkers and an entire pack of cards were also involved. Metaphors have most definitely become mixed.

The staff at the hotel aren’t happy with their employer. They also don’t seem to be able to remember his name (this doesn’t bode well, with 29 hours left of the show…). I can’t remember his name either.

Jizzie is undergoing BLT therapy, shouting at his dead father from a balcony. He’s not answering back.

Eveline Carnate and Bobby Davro had an intimate moment in the hair orchard. They bonded over their former military careers.

The families are assembled, as Winifred and Sunday are about to reveal their suspect… the possible murderer is known as “Blobby Afro”… but who is this mysterious man…?

Oh. Turns out it’s Bobby Davro. Now he’s on the lamb.

Mmm. Lamb.

Seems the bride and groom may not have their wedding papers in order. They probably should’ve checked that out before giving this whole wedding thing the go-ahead.

Seems the goom accidentally got into bed with the bride’s twin sister. Oops…

  • Episode 3 – Saturday, 5pm

There’s no webcam in Mary-May’s shower. Complaints have been made.

Jizzie’s therapy wrapped up. It had been going on for three hours. Turns out he had issues. Dog issues. The dog his father bought him went missing. Three years ago. Timothy Dreary is a terrible therapist, and has no skill at finding lost dogs. Also, he may have killed Jizzie’s father with a tasty beat.

Wilf went to his Aunt/Daughter, Winifred, to discover more about the murder. They’ve decided to track Bobby Davro down.

Mary-May and Ivana met in the gym. Ivana pretended to be her twin sister. I think.  (I may have got distracted while the scene was being set up….)

Timothy Dreary gave Fibonacci HBO therapy. He may be his father. Or his uncle. Timothy recognizes the amnesiac, despite not recognizing him in a previous scene.  I think he might have been drinking. Fibonacci thinks he’s a beekeeper who is conflicted about taking honey from bees.

I love bees.

The bees may be a metaphor. Or not.

They’re not.  Time for a flashback. To a maths lesson. Um. I’m not sure how this is related. Everyone’s in kindergarten and being sent to corners.  Fibonacci numbers are being thrown about. We’re going to end up with a golden spiral at some point.

Or not. Scene over. Something was said – I’m totally paying attention.

Father Hanson is looking for ceramic farm animals. Also, Mmmbop.  He met Silky Sheets, and apparently knows her from the past. And possibly knows her father.

Bobby Davro evaded the authorities. It was like Prison Break, but better. He snuck into Eveline’s room. And her bed.
“I can’t go back to prison”. I don’t remember him mentioning he was in prison before.

Big Richard Jackson is going to teach Honey how she can be Bridesmaid of the Year 2011. Using Risk. The board is upside-down now. As is the table. I think I missed something…

Balls. I did something and the blog exploded.

Ok, it’s back. Um. Something happened. There was a Jesus wave. And people climbing through windows. And cutting down forests… uh…

Mary-May hosted a party, plot points may or may not have happened. Nobody can tell the twins apart. Also, they’re never in the same place at the same time – does anyone else think that’s weird?

Everyone at the party seemed to know everyone else somehow. Mysteries were being brought up or solved.

Typing and paying attention is difficult. I need a secretary.

Margaret is doing science. Fibonacci walks in.

I’m suddenly aware that the blog’s switching from present to past tense at random. Just go with it.

Science is still going on. Fibonacci is remembering things.  Boy this guy likes bees.  Margaret is testing DNA, getting to the bottom of whether Iowna is or isn’t the heiress to the Woole fortune. Fibonacci is all about maths.  He reads the maths. Remembers  maths. He was a great mathematical genius. He could have been the best – he could have been a contender. Somethingsomething. Turns out theres more to life than maths.

Now the science is all over the floor. And science is evil. Fibonacci has memories of Honey. The person, not sweet, sweet bee juice.

Mmm. Bee juice.

Cherry and Winifred are going to recap the whole murder plotline, because nobody remembers what was going on with that. They went to Tesco. It was a really short scene, where nothing was recapped.

Burt and his soon-to-be-mother-in-law (too many hyphens) went for Sushi.  (I could do with sushi).  Oh dear, someone did something racist.

Burt seems to have forgotten that the bride has a twin.

Silky Sheets confronts Jebediah, her boss, about her contract. Everyone’s talking in allegories. Now it’s turned into onomatopoeia. And the scene’s been restarted with the plot and linguistic device re-directed.

I think there’s been an agreement between employer/employee. Metaphors are being mixed; bread is being baked, fences mended, bridges built… over troubled water….

Father Hanson preached about Hulk Hogan taking a thorn from The Ultimate Warrior’s paw. Yeah. That happened.

Back to Winifred and Cherry. In Tesco. They’re deducing. Um. Looking for berries. JooJoo Berries. They found them.

Will the excitement never end?
The scenes over, so, yes. It will.
And did.

Meanwhile: we’re in the roof restaurant, during a perpetual thunderstorm.  Burt took stairs down to the roof. Physics is out the window at this point. Mary-May isn’t sure if she wants to take Burt from Iowna (Or is it Ivona?). Oh, wait, they’ve kissed. Um. I guess she changed her mind. And now they’re gonna bang on the roof… And Ivona walked in… and she’s about to do a murder.

Um. I think someone’s been killed. It might have been Mary-May.

…. I’ll be back in 15-20 after I find out what happened…

  • Episode 4 – Saturday, 7pm

(Yeah, she died.)

(Jesus was that a long blog for ep3)

And we’re back. Welcome to the start of hour six. Or is it seven. I’ve lost track…

We have a new character; Kieth Catcher the solicitor. Maybe that whole wedding-not-legal thing will come up again. Maybe.

Product placement for Innocent Smoothies has now been established. And sexualized. And now related to Jesus.

It’s dinner time for the Woolfe family.  Around a tiny table.  Wilf’s bank account is in the red, it seems – he had to borrow monies from Winifred. Waiters keep bringing props in. I think one of them is a tiny cement mixer for, one imagines, mixing tiny cement.

More racism. But it was aimed at Americans, so it barely counts.

Iowna and Ivona just had an argument. That’s only of note because they’re played by the same person.

Too many props. Time for a 5-minute stage reset.

Keith Catcher has just arrived. He and Jebediah are having a conversation. Neither of them seem to know who he is or why he’s there. Neither do I.
They’ve decided to sue everyone. Um. Yeah.

Jizzie and Fibonacci meet on the Pier (which apparently deserves a capital P). They just discovered they’re long-lost brothers.  And somebody killed a dolphin.

Speaking of which: fucking dolphins.

Drunken sailor alert! If you’re playing Improv bingo at home, tick off drunken sailors.

There might be more Mandlebrots than we first thought. Many more. Number to be confirmed in forthcoming hours.

Meanwhile: Bobby Davro is escaping to Wales.  Winifred and Cherry have apprehended him, to administer the JooJoo berries that’ll help them figure out who did done do the murder. And he’s just stamped on Sunday. A lot. He’s pretty stamped on. Stamped on again. I don’t think he’s coming back from this one. Stampy stampy stamp-stamp. No. He’s dead fo’ sho’. Definitely. Yes.

Flashback to the murder: We still don’t know who did it.  Oh, cryptic clue:  It was the man in the submarine in the middle of the maze. Who lives in a lake. And is Captain Nemo. And wants to destroy the world. And has tattoos.

(I’m not sure if the latter clue was entirely necessary, seeing as the dude’s in a submarine)

So. Bobby Davro didn’t kill the sailor. But he did kill the dog. I’m not sure if that really makes up for not committing man-murder.

Big Richard and Honey are still helping her become Bridesmade Of The Year 2011. Big Richard is full of Codine – I don’t think his addiction to pain pills was a plot point before, but it is now. And now we’re playing Connect 4, because as you know, Big Richard is all about board games. He’s won the first game. She won the second. And Jesus saved the day. Somehow.

Timothy Dreary and Burt are on the golf course. Dreary’s going to use BBC therapy on him. (Speaking of which: I totally just missed Doctor Who). Therapy and dodging golf balls does not mix – let this be a lesson to you.  Burt’s catching Dreary up on the plot, because he might not have been paying attention to the story thusfar.

Burt’s broken up over Mary-May being dead, so Timothy gave him bubble wrap. Now Burt is asleep, because Timothy is boring. And now his mustache falling off.  Being bored will do that to you…

FLY!! There’s a FLY attacking the directors! Fetch the bear!

OK, the fly’s gone.  Silky and Hanson (Mmmbop) are in the church. A waiter’s wandered in and offered him breakfast. Where did that waiter come from?

I missed the call for the scene, but now it seems that everyone has OCD.

OCD is hilarious. And stops the world exploding. Silky wants to do a DNA test to see if Wilf is her father – but Hanson (Mmmbop) HATES science. So he tells her that the way to prove someone his her father is to look them in the eye.

Two words:  Replacement Jesuses.

Eveline Carnate is walking around eating bacon. She discovers Margaret breaking into the hotel’s CSI forensics laboratory.

“Families make strange bedfellows” – I’m not sure families should be bedfellows at all.

Margaret reveals that Jebediah collects DNA samples of all his guests – not for anything malicious, just because he likes to look at them.  Eveline reminds Margarate of a woman… a dead woman… her sister…

It’s the first Dana Anderson Memorial Erotic Fountain of the show!  Kieth meets Wilf and Virginia for a secret meeting. They want to… Um… Fuck, I missed the point of the scene because it was SO. DAMN. EROTIC.

It’s time for the Mandlebrot family dinner. A scene directed to ‘have lots of subtext’.

Subtext apparently means props. Lots of props.

And we’re back to subtext. Chicken-based subtext. Innuendos formed around fried foods are increasingly disturbing. I might have gone mind-blind thinking about them. Now Timothy Dreary’s being boring again, but the scene’s over, so it’s all ok.

Winifred is trying to have a solemn funeral for Sunday, the very-dead crime-fighting dog. Jebediah is trying to set up a party while the funeral is going on. He’s singing his name to a funk beat, and wants to send off the dead dog-tective with FUNK.

MUSICAL NUMBER.  Sparse musical number, with the lyrics entirely based around Jebediah’s name being repeated.

Oh, now it’s a rap. About Jebediah. And Sunday. And crime fighting.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE! The audience is singing along while Sam Crombie rocks out the keys.

Iowna and Burt sit down together to watch a football game. She left the room – there’s a knock at the door – Burt’s thrown her to the floor… remember he watched her, his soon-to-be-bride’s sister, cut a bitch up just a few hours back.

Ivana just SLAPPED THE MUSTACHE OFF BURT’S FACE.  Oh yeah. That happened.

Meanwhile, in Tescos:  Cherry is about to deduce the identity of the murderer by looking at the goods and services available on offer. She’s about the reveal the name. And she’s been SHOT IN THE FOOT. That’s right, SHE’S DEAD. And the other customers in Tescos did NOTHING.Bastards.

‘Mike’ has been asked to choose a scene. He’s picked “more death”, preferably the death of BORING Timothy Dreary. In a welsh field populated by sheep and rabbits. Timothy and Jizzie with partake in a ‘log duel’. Whatever the fuck that means….

Oh, we’re having a battle of wits first.  Before the duel. Apparently.

And now there’s a counting battle.  Jizzie has called on Big Richard, who is all about counting.

THE FIGHT IS ON!  WITH STARWARS SOUNDS! IT”S A LOGSABRE BATTLE!

Jizzie’s cut up that boring biaaatch.

Final scene of the episode:  In the Cannon And Ball Room, all the people in the thing are there for another thing.  Bean curry apparently. Jebediah’s holding a party.  There’s a dance going on – either that, or everyone is having a seizure.

And a dead body’s been found. But everyone’s still dancing… while investigating the body. And there’s another body. Oh, right, two bastards died in this episode. Um. Who were they?

(checks notes)

Timothy Dreary and Cherry Whoever. That’s who’s dead.  And Mary-May too.

EVERYBODY’S PANICING!

And it’s the end of the ep.  See you in 15 minutes for more words in your FACE.


  • Episode 5 – Saturday, 9pm

And we’re back. And also ‘panicking’ is apparently missing  a K. I am shithot at wordspellings.

As of now, I’ll also be sticking the time of the blog update next to the ramblings. Because that’s what the Guardian do, and imitation is the greatest form of flatitude.

21:10 – Jizzie is now a doctor, as well as being a hiphop artist.

21:15 – We’ve got Sam Crombie and Pretty Neale doubling up on the keys, so this shift’s musics are sure to rock.  Maybe we’ll get a proper musical number in this ep… I mean, what with them going to the effort of having two musicians tinkling about… you’d think…

21:26 – Iowna and Ivana are finally on stage together. At the same time. It’s the magic of theatre. And also a second actress coming in to play the other sister. although, I’m still not sure which is which. And neither are they. This’ll work great.

21:28 – Fibonacci has photos that help solve the thing. What thing? Like, the murder, or something. I dunno, I was pressing buttons and making words happen while it was being directed.  Anyway, he and Jizzie are going through them all.  Blobby Afro is apparently now his own character, not the misheard name of Bobby Davro.  Fibonacci also now has a missing wife and kids. Who he’s not at all interested in.  There’s a ‘weird masked man’ in the photos of Blobby Afro.

Blobby Afro is in the photos with Fibonacci’s family. Um. Murdering them. While Fibonacci’s in shot, setting up a tripod. Uh. What?

21:31 – Big Richard is teaching Margaret something. Using Go as a mataphor. And also a metaphor. For counting, I think.

The Japanese game of ‘Go’, apparently involves a man dressed in Japanese garb shouting “GO!” whenever anyone comes close to him.  This isn’t how we played it when I were a lad. In Japan.

21:35 – More racism. Japanese racism. Japacism. A lot of the casual racism tonight has been aimed at the Japanese. I don’t know what everyone’s problem with the Japanese is, but seems like they really hate them. Casually, that is.

Also: Nobody in the scene seems to know how to play Go. And Big Richard is allergic to numbers. And the Japanese man’s mustache fell off.

21:37 – Big Richard got imbued with ‘The Chi’ by playing Go. And his hair fell off.

21:38 – Winifred is getting a makeover after her dog was murdered horribly.  90’s RnB stars TLC are giving her the makeover.  In this scene, one of TLC is apparently Korean.  And Beyonce is now in TLC.

Grandma Winifred is shaking her booty.

21:40 – And it’s time for a MUSICAL NUMBER. A booty-shaking musical number. With horse riding.

21:41 – Granny can rap like a motherfuck.  And now Big Richard is horning his way onto her. Richard loves his ladies grey and wrinkly.

21:43 – Eveline is eating bacon, walking along the Dudley Moors, when she sees Bobby in the distance, who has run back all the way from Wales.

21:44 – The couple have pretty much run all across the venue, in the same direction, trying to reach one another.  They haven’t quite made it yet. I think we’ll come back to that scene later.

21:45 – Back to Fibonacci and Dr. Jizzie going through photos, trying to understand the story laid out in the pictures Fibonacci has on his camera.

21:47 – Fibonacci apparently plays the tin whistle. And has lost the tin whistle. I don’t think these are related to the murder of Bobby Afro or his family.

21:48 – A pig stole his tin whistle, whilst a pheasant distracted him. And the red masked man was there. The masked man who has blonde hair… like Fibonacci’s wife… Who was murdered in the photos earlier… this is making less and less sense as they get closer to the mystery.

21:49 – I missed the call, but it’s got something to do with a funfair, being attended by Hanson (Mmmbop) and Silky. They’re whipping frogs. The currency being used is Frog Shekels. Now they’re throwing frogs at umbrellas. He’d calling her darling a lot. I think he may be implying he’s her father. I’m not sure when that was decided or revealed.

21:52 – Now the priest is bobbing for frogs. What’s with all the frogs?  Did I miss something?

21:53 – Turns out the hotel is based in Frogsham. Which may or may not be a real place. Or it may be Frodsham (which is apparently a place) and I completely misheard.

21:55 – We’re at the Mark Mear Blasphemous Waxwork Museum. Virginia is meeting her two daughters. And can’t tell them apart.

21:56 – FLY ATTACK!!!! FLY ON THE KEYBOARD!! AAAAAAAAARGH.

21:56 – The fly’s gone. Worry not, dear reader…

21:56 – IT’S BACK!!! THE FLY IS BACK!!!

21:56 – It’s gone again. Everything’s going to be ok

21:57 – The womens are trying to arrange the hen night. Grandma is involved. Somebody just called Christ a cunt – I think that was a blasphemous waxwork. Then again, waxworks don’t really talk… I’m starting to see a flaw in the science here.

21:58 – Granny’s talking about her own hen night. With her friends. Who are all dead.

21:59 – I think Ivona and Iwana keep switching roles, but I can’t be sure.  I’ll report back when I work out a way to work that out.

22:00 – Keith Catcher and Wilf Woolf meet to talk about Wilf’s  impending divorce – which, I imagine is what the previous scene with Wilf and Kieth was probably about. Probably. They meet in front of the Erotic Fountain, because that’s where all serious discussions should take place.

22:02 – I don’t think Kieth Catcher knows anything about the law, but he does like taking notes. Notes for the meeting. The meeting that he’s already in. Um. What?

22:04 – Who’s lawyer is he anyway?

22:05 – Wilf is trying to arrange his wife’s death. With his lawyer. Who increasingly seems to not be an actual lawyer.

22:06 – Eveline and Bobby are still on opposite sides of the moors, and continue to fail to find one another.

22:06 – They’ve found one another.

22:07 – Bobby has confessed his love for Eveline. And she hers for him. And him his for her. Her her hers for him. Yes.

22:08 – I’ve lost my coffee. I totally had it a minute ago.  Balls.

22:09 -Burt Dyke and the twins are playing Tony Hawk’s Extreme Wedding, to prepare them for the ceremony.

22:10 – OK, now BOTH twins are answering to the same name. And occasionally speaking in unison. I. Am fucking. Confused.

22:12 – Burt’s mustache is falling off. And now all three are getting drunk. I don’t think anyone involved knows who is who anymore.

22:15 – Entire plot points that have never happened before have now been mentioned. Burt and Ivana may be having an affair – when Burt is meant to be marrying Iowna. Or marrying Iowna and affairing Ivana. Either way, they chick that one of them killed is totally forgotten about.

22:16 – Another meeting, this time with Keith and Virginia in front of the Jeff Haslam Surprisingly Tasteful Fountain. The marital situation is apparently a ‘Catch 59’. I’m starting to wonder if Dude knows what a Catch 22 is, let alone any other thing of numberstuffs.

22:17 – Virginia wants to have Wilf killed… too… Uhh. So. Yeah. Kinda sounds like my parent’s marriage.

22:18 – And now we’re in a gay bar. The Kevin Space. This is so about to become casually homophobic….

22:19 – Honey Moon is apparently the burlesque act.. at the gay bar… where Fibonacci is there to have a revelation about his photos… and he’s in love with Honey, I think.

22:20 – Musical number. The casually racist Japanese stereotype is back. And this time he’s gay.

22:21 – Honey and Fibonacci are in love. The Gays boo’d them for kissing.

22:22 – I missed the call again, because I was being talked at by Wilf… who is apparently in the scene… This is being called the most pivotal scene in the whole show.

22:23 – Wilf doesn’t know what the call was either. But the scene is going on anyway.

22:24 – Pivotal may have been a bit of an exaggeration. Mostly because nobody knows what is meant to happen.

“You ain’t doing nothing with your life here on this American ranch – why don’t you go live in rural England”

22:25 – Jebadiah’s father is apparently very angry with him, and is flying over. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t mentioned before.

22:26 – The hotel is apparently doing badly, because the staff keep taking songs and dances as payment from guests.

22:27 – Wilf is eating three sandwiches whilst having a solemn conversation. Welcome to hilarity.

22:29 – Dramatic pause

22:30 – dramaticker pause.

22:31 – Um. It seems that the surprising impediment to the wedding is… dun dun dun – that is might be cancelled.

Uh. Huh.

22:32 – Hanson (Mmmbop) and Silky are cycling. On a tandem.  Now they’ve stopped. And… plot might commence…?

22:34 – The cast are much better at remember the plot than I am – A few hours back, Silky got the priest to do a DNA test comparing her to ‘a tall man’…  Turns out he didn’t do that. But he does have a story to tell about his time in Belize..

22:35 – Hanson (Mmmbop) banged a Belizian woman. In a tree hut. And got drunk. On ant-based alcohol.

22:36 – It is Frogsham. That explains the frogs.

22:36 – Wow, ok, dark turn.  Silky’s mom had a blood disease and died of some kind of blood-lossey thing. He disposed of her at an orphanage.

22:37 – What happened to all the racism and dick jokes?

22:38 – It’s the final scene of this episode! Time for a MUSICAL NUMBER. Featuring Granny and Big Richard out on the town….

22:40 – The song is entitled “Granny Lovin'”.  Winifred and Big Richard are totally going to get it on.  She’s a horny bint… Also: Ew.

  • Episode 6 – Saturday, 11pm

We’re back. And these blogs are just getting longer and fucking longer….

And I’ve been given whisky. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha mmmmmmmm hahahahahaha. Whisky.

23:15 – Burt Dike seems to have forgotten his family’s surname.  Welcome to the start of hour 11. It goes downhill from here.

23:22 – Oh dear… Grandma’s been masturbating…

23:27 – Two new characters!!  And I don’t know their names! I’ve been drinking! Woo!

23:28 – Stan Brewer and Richard Famous – I’m glad this show is set in a hotel so new people have to introduce themselves to the concierge…

23:30 – ‘Mike’ has come along to save the say again, and has called a scene in The Musical Chess Bar. Where… something happens… we’ll find out what soon enough.

23:31 – “If I move my knight into a diminished ninth” / “Bishop to F minor seventh”  …  I don’t think this is an important plot point.

23:32 – MUSICAL NUMBER

23:32 – That was a very short musical number.

23:33 – It’s started again. I’m not sure what it’s about… the best man maybe.

23:33 – It’s definitely about the best man. I think that might have been the point of the scene.

23:34 – The character I thought was the Mandlebrot mother is now the great aunt. I may have missed an entire cubic litre of scenes.

Litre?  Liter? Who knows. Not cockholeblocking spellcheck, that’s for sure.

23:35 – We’re in the Steam Pipe Distribution Centre, where Honey and Fibonacci are… taking a romantic stroll?

23:37 – The Steam Pipe Distribution Centre is singing a hiss-based song to the lovers. Most of it sounds like farts. Yes. You read that right.

23:38 – Hanson (Mmmbop) is drunk and in the forest when he runs into Stan Brewer, who’s carving an effigy of the women he loves out of bark. Hanson was Welsh, but now he’s been drinking, he seems to be Irish. But that happens to the best of us.

23:41 – Brewer is the new wedding planner. He also seems to be in love with the twins.

23:44 – What this scene has taught us: Men fall in love with  women, impregnate them, and then she dies in childbirth.

23:45 – “Don’t jizz onto that tree”

23:46 – “Don’t carve women’s faces out of a tree, then carve a tree out of women’s faces”

23:47 – Granny arrives in Big Richard’s room to play ‘Coffee’, which is now apparently a game.

23:48 – “Come to Granny”

I don’t think Granny is wearing underwear. Also, Granny is played by a man. I should have probably mentioned that earlier.

23:50 – Keith Catcher is trying to be wooed by Virginia Woolfe. In a Eurovision themed room.

Apparently was Eurovision was on tonight.
No, I don’t care either. And any Eurovision references will be way over my head.

23:50 – The Japanese stereotype is back. I’ve missed him.

23:51 – We’ve had three Bucks Fizz jokes in the first minute.  I’m beginning to think everyone here is as clueless about Eurovision as I am.

23:54 –  Yeah, totally over my head.

23:55 – Someone and someone else are doing a thing somewhere.

23:55 – Bobby and Eveline are going to talk about what they’re going to do to change the hotel… whilst hiding under a table. I’m not sure why.

Does anyone know what’s going on? Somebody should be taking notes and paying attention.

Oh. Wait.

23:56 – Bobby kinda wants to destroy the whole hotel when he’s in charge. And then put it back together. And call it Davro Incarnate.

23:56 – Eveline advises him to replace the Gulag with a Romance Room, and remove the dragon from the 16th floor. I don’t remember either of those things existing in the narrative before.

23:58 – The couple are going to buy the hotel from Jebediah’s father. Um. With money. I guess.

23:59 – Dr. Jizzie is curing people. With rap. This will be genius. Or shit. Only time will tell.

00:01 – It was genius.

Also: Woooooo! Midnight! We’ve been doing this for 11 hours.

00:02 – Another PIVOTAL SCENE with Wilf and Jebediah. Once again MANY sandwishes will be eaten at the same time.

Also, sandWICHES will be eaten.

00:04 – Scratch that, it’s not sandwiches. It’s bread and mayonnaise. Lots of bread, with lots of mayonnaise. While a pivotal conversation is going on.

Last year, this bit was done with muffins, this year, it’s bread and mayo. We’ve got sadistic in the last 13 months.

00:05 – It’s Mary-May’s, and time for a Fuckeulogy.

00:09 – The murdery twin implicated that the non-murdery twin in being there during Mary-May’s murder. They both have names, but at this point I think we’ve all forgotten who is who.

00:10 – The great aunt may be the mother again.  Nobody seems to know who is related to who.

In other news, I’m out of whisky. Someone bring me more.

00:11 – The funeral has apparently been scheduled just before the rehearsal dinner.  And now everyone’s putting makeup on.

00:13 – Meanwhile: Richard Famous is interviewing candidates for his adventure to the submarine in the lake at the centre of the maze to find… a crystal or something.

00:15 – And we’ve got a Chinese stereotype now. At hour 11.25. Yeah. It’s that kind of classy show.

oo:17 – Captain BoatBeard has appeared. Um. I think he was responsible for bringing Burt Dyke to America. And also knows Richard Famous.  He’s also hideously deformed, and maybe retarded. He can also smell crystals from afar.

00:18 – Richard Famous wants Captain BoatBeard’s nose. BoatBeard, in the meantime, seems to have acquired a nervous tick.

00:19 – Silky Sheets is decorating the Vicary… which is apparently different to a church….

00:20 – “Look unhappy, like real Jesus would”.  Oh yes, the Replacement Jesuses are back… although they seem to be doing star-jumps…

00:23 – There was another callback to last years improvathon. Everyone here laughed, but you’d have no idea what was going on, so it doesn’t bear repeating, let along putting up an extended blog post explaining why I can’t explain it to you.

00:24 – People are licking other people. I think it’s a gallery of portraits that look like they smell good… or taste good…but I can’t be sure.

00:25 – Yes, it is.

Entirely unrelatedly, it occurs to me that crows are basically ravens and blackbirds with entirely different genetics and physical features. That’s not related to the show, I just thought it was worth mentioning.

00:27 – Some more talking happened. Possibly related to the plot.

00:28 – There we go, plot happened – Burt admitted to his wife-to-be that her sister killed Mary-May and that he accidentally slept with her.

00:29 – And now the wedding is off.

00:29 – And now the wedding is back on. Or not. The couple are banging, so we’ll find out what’s going on after we go to another scene, I imagine.

00:30 – Granny and Big Rich are in a post-coital embrace. The subtitle to this scene shall remain ‘Ew’.

00:31 – Ew and ew and ew.

00:32 – Grandma loves the cock.  And also loves peacocks.

00:33 – Big Richard has slept with lots of women. And impregnated 17 Cherokees. Grandma doesn’t seem to mind.

00:34 – And now the obligatory American Indian whooping. Well done Team Casual Racism.

00:36 – Womens be talking. Honey is seeking advice from some of the other ladygirls. About loving a man who has a wife and children. But he’s not technically married any more because the wife is dead. And he’s not technically a father any more, because the kids are dead too.

I’m taking notes…. This is totally how I could have got out of some really bad relationships in the past.

00:38 – Silky is confusing having a boyfriend and finding her father. And, Burt occasionally runs his bride-to-be over with his bike. Also: “Domestic violence is sometimes fun”.

Right. Sure.

00:41 – Dr. Jizzie and Jebediah are talking about things. Jebediah reciognises him. Dr. Jizzie asks if it’s Cliff Richard. It isn’t. Is this leading up to another plot point?

00:43 – Jebediah dripped his pen, and then talked about it. That might not be the plot point we were all waiting for…

00:44 – Ok, after the important pen plot, we’ve moved on to Dr. Jizzie being brought in as a partner in the hotel. Which will now be a HipHopHotel.

Also: Bring the Beats.

00:45 – Hanson (Mmmbop) returns home to discover all his possessions have been carved to look like him.  Brewer is responsible. Duh. What a creepy bitch.

00:47 – Kevin (Keith? Whatever) Capture works out a thing to kill Wilf Woolfe. While Honey Moon and Fibonacci do something.  It’s a split screen thing, but Keith is on entirely the wrong side of the stage.

00:48 – And now he’s on the correct side. And all is good with the world.

I don’t think any of this is plot related yet.

00:49 – “The toothless goblet wonder” – definitely not related to the plot.

00:50 – Wilf is working out ways to have his wife taken out. It was meant to be an ‘accident’ in a previous scene, but now he’s talking about blugeoning her.

00:50 – Fibonacci’s lost his memory again. And he doesn’t remember Honey. Sucks for their blossoming love.

00:52 – Keith (Karl? Whatever) now can’t be bought… I’m not really sure what his motivations are. Neither is he. Somebody should probably do something about that.

00:53 – Both Fibonacci and Wilf have fallen to the floor and lost their memory. And now Honey has fallen too. And now Fibonacci seems to have his memory back.

Um. What?

  • Episode 7 – Sunday, 1am

BOOM. And we’re back in the hizzie with yet more improv comedytalkhappenings.

Prepare your laughmuscles for comedyarama.

01:10 – I just had to open a childproof cap for Hanson (Mmmbop). Yeah. He’s not on a downward slopeyslope at all.

That wasn’t really related to the plot, but I thought it might be of interest. Or not.

01:20 – Bobby Davro might be a serial dog-murderer. Or might not. Only time will tell.

01:25 – The childproof cap thing is now part of the plot. I’m totally on form.

01:26 – Fibonacci apparently lost his memory, got it back, lost it, and now got it back. He was in love with Honey, then he wasn’t, and now he is again. It all makes sense. Honestly.

01:35 – The director has now descended into a rant against Kraft. Uh, yeah.

01:39 – We just experienced a 4-minute sketch in which Big Reggie called Radio 1….

01:40 – The entire plot is caught up in two minutes:

“We haven’t met” / “Of course we had, I brutally killed your dog” / “It was an old dog, it doesn’t matter” / “There was this woman with a parrot on her shoulder” / “I killed the parrot too” / “It doesn’t matter, it was an old parrot” / “This is just our plotlines” / “Yes. Everyone else is probably having a wonderful time” / “Wilfred Woolfe was bludgeoned to death – or was he – we saw the back of the body, but not the front” / “We’ll find out more about that… in due course”.

01:43 – Oh yeah, now we all totally know what’s going on.  Nice job, two characters that probably have names.

01:45 – Uh. I was texting… missed an entire scene… I think the two matriarchs met and one threatened the other.

01:46 – Father Hanson (Mmmbop) is going to recap the entire show with Burt. This’ll help all of us out.

Thusfarly:

The Woolfe clan and Mandlebrot clan arrived
A marriage is meant to happen eventually
There’s been murders, but they’ve already been talked about in the first scene of the ep.
Two people are going to look for a diamond or something.
The gulag is not the maze, it’s a prison camp located on the 15th floor, under the dragon, next to the zoo
Jebediah left the ranch for rural england to learn to be a man
Dr Jizzie is now a partner and turned the hotel into a HipHopHotel
Fibonacci filmed his family being murdered, then avenged them, and lost his memory, but is love with Honey
Honey was obsessed with being bridesmaid of the year,  now she’s in love and not obsessed. But she loves maths
Honey and Fibonacci met in primary school, in maths class where they were forced to repeat the Fibonacci sequence
Burt can’t tell the difference between his bride and her twin, and has slept with both

And that’s pretty much it Apart from Father Mmmbop… wait, Hanson’s story about his daughter and the guy that carves things into other things.

01:51 – Wilf is in hospital. His doctor is Christopher Walken. Let the impressions begin….

01:53 – “Take two paracetamol, old man, and shove them up your ass.”

Yeah. Total Walken.

01:54 – My coffee is now a tea. Not sure when that happened.

01:55 – Chris Walken is now on the bed, standing over Wilf. I just noticed Jebediah is playing the heart monitor… has he been doing that all through the scene?

01:56 – All the women are re-meeting to re-plan the hen night, because the director lost the page on which he wrote down what they decided. Also: I don’t remember the original scene either, so I’m glad we’re reenacting it.

01:57 –  “Jesus is a cunt”

I remember the scene now. Or at least that part of the scene. I think decisions were made. I was typing and missed the entire thing.

01:58 – The men are meeting up to discuss the plans for the Stag Do. This will apparently end with a power ballard.

Unless the cast forget it’s meant to end with a power ballard.

02:00 – Plans for the stag do: Being In A Field,  Paintball, Chinese Checkers, Star Wars Chess, Crazy Gary’s Mobile Bitch Disco.

All those things deserved capital letters.

02:01 – Wilf is in this scene, but braindead, it seems.

02:01 – Big Richard Jackson (who I think I’ve been calling Reggie) doesn’t know the difference between Eucharist and Eucalyptus.

02:02 – Stan Brewer, the mental wedding planner, wood carver, had carved hot sexy ladies for the stag do… out of Hanson’s sofa.

02:03 – They forgot the power ballard.

02:03 – They’ve been reminded about the power ballard. It’s about Bros.

That should have been Bro’s. Not BROS. Very different.

02:04 – it’s taken me 13 hours to realise that the curtain obstructing 80% of my view of the stage could be moved. Yeah. I’m in smart-mode right now.

02:05 – Fuck, missed the call for the scene. Something about a bridal party.  Shouldn’t that be after the wedding?

02:06 – Seems the ‘bridal party’ is everyone involved in the wedding. Not a celebratory event. Seeing as most of the people I know are married, you think I’d know something about weddings.

Also: nobody’s talking. Is this a silent scene? Did I miss something?

02:07 – Seems Iowna was the only one who turned up to the rehearsal dinner. I don’t think that was in the show, or if it was, it was short and I missed it.

02:08 – Wilf is still brain damaged. And might have shat himself. But everything’s totally fine. Totally. Yeah.

02:09 – Chris Walken is back. And possibly German now. And wearing a sailor’s hat.

02:10 – Dr. Jizzie is helping out Dr. Chris Walken, who is apparently not a real doctor.

02:11 – The jizzmeister is going to cure him with a ‘tasty beat’. Whatever that is.

Oh, that meant a rap. Obviously.

02:12 – This is real doctoring, yo.

02:13 – Wilf is back up and about and walking. Maybe.

02:14 – Something dangerous and elaborate is about to be discussed. I didn’t catch what.

02:14 – It’s Eveline and Bobby. About buying the hotel. Um. Yeah. They had a plotline that wasn’t caught-up earlier.

02:15 – “We sell the hotel, and use the money to buy it back – like one of those snakes that eats it’s own tail”

I think that’s the plan they’re going with… Of course, they don’t own the hotel… but that’s probably just an oversight.

02:16 – All I heard was “card faces cast” – I’m sure all will be revealed.

02:17 – The creepy wedding planner who has a name, and Silky whatever are talking about a thing. The room is full of carvings, which I think are meant to be Hanson’s (Mmmbop) face. Maybe. Unless they’re in another room, with other faces.

Aside: Aren’t rainbows pretty.

02:18 – Something about face-carvings in the maze of death.

Wasn’t this show meant to be about a wedding?

02:19 – Silky now wants revenge. And possibly wants to hill her father in the maze of death, which she’s having her face carved into for… some reason.

Uuuuuh. Huuuh.

02:20 – Honey and Fibonacci are going to sue Jebediah for the head injury Fibonacci received in the final scene of the last ep, which seems to have taken place at Jebediah’s History Of Head Injury Exhibit. There’s a museum in the hotel it seems.

02:21 – BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

02:22 – Um. Something’s happening. Fibonacci might be dying. Or not. Um. He’s hidden money in his camera case… which he wants Honey to find to ‘mend his brain’.

Yeah. That’s right.

02:23 – Richard and Ivana are in a place where they talk all Shakespeare-like. Seems they had a romantic past.

So. Saying anything in 21st Century English talkhappenings, and then ending the sentence with “did’st though?”  makes it Shakesperian.

02:24 – Um. Shakespearean singing time. Obviously. It must be 02:24am.

(Yes. Yes it is. I think that’s been established by the new time-stamp thingadoo.)

02:26 – Shakespearean spunk-joke-singing is the best type of spunk-joke-singing. Word.

02:27 – Big Ronald Jackson explains the board game Operation to Keith (Kevin? Klyde? Whatever) for… some reason.

He may not have been introduced to Operation before… he’s scrubbing up.

“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m in your room?” / “No, I’m just going to gaze at you awkwardly for about five seconds.”

02:30 – “Empathy, Motherfucker!”

02:32 – “You can’t fuck up, but if you do, Chris Walken gonna be in here and he gonna fuck you up!”

02:33 – “Father Hanson is perturbed,  because koalas have eaten all the Eucharist”

02:24 – Farmer Hanson  is talking at the couple about how the ceremony’s going to rock out.

He’s stopped being Welsh.

He’s welsh again.

02:36 – “It appears she’s orgasmed at the sound of her own name”

02:37 – Margaret’s gone to the Chemist Of Mafia Character Actors for a thing.

02:39 – Wilf has snapped back into life, but in an entirely different show.

“It’s like Quantum Leap, but with theatre.”

02:40 – The new show is set at an American ski lodge. Which features a magic rabbit.

This makes more sense than the previous show.  I hope they stick with this one.

“Come down our rabbit hole – It’s a rabbit hole that goes up.”

02:42 – Um. Another serious scene. Kevin (Kraven? Keith? No idea…) is to confess his crime to Virginia.

Did he do a crime?

02:43 – Oh, he hit Wilf with a thing. That’s not really a crime, surely.

02:44 – (Apparently it is.)

02:44 – Virginia doesn’t want to get divorced now… Um. Not sure when that decision happened. She’s quite ‘miffed’ that he did a violence at her husband.

02:45 – Fuckitty spunk holes! Wilf’s back. He’s got a phone. And he’s pissed.

02:46 – Wilf gone done smacked a bitch upside the head with a phone. Kravlor (Kennedy? Kevlar?) might be dead.

02:47 – The entire episode is about to be recapped in a minute:
Wilf was in a coma, Chris Walken appeared and  informed everyone that he had been inserting paracetamol into his own ass.
Meanwhile: the bride explained that nothing was going to plan
The couple met the priest, dude wants to jump the church on a bike and spell ‘Iowna’ in smoke, and she collapsed in orgasm.

And that’s much more concise than this ENTIRE blog entry.

02:48 – Everyone’s in a place and things are going to happen.

02:49 – Eucharist is apparently now a drug that makes you see angels.

And everyone’s friends. And Jebediah is singing his funk song again. Wasn’t there conflict in this show just a few scenes back?

02:50 – Oooh,  Cliffhanger seems to be coming up. Maybe….

….

…….

……….

Any second now…..

……………..

02:51 – Burt’s having a bad reaction to the Eucharist. He’s overdosing. Um… Yeah. Cliffhanger to the motherfucking max, yo.


  • Episode 8 – Sunday, 3am

And we’re back. By the time this ep is over, the sun’ll be up, and we’ll be in hour… 17… or something…

Also: this episode is being blogged in Super-3D-Surround-Sound-Magnetic-Relay-Coaxial-Read-O’Vision.  Of the Dublin O’Visions, obviously.

And I’m happy to report that one of our readers informed me that he mis-read “power ballard” as “power bellend”. So, y’know, thanks for reading, but also, get your mind out of your pants… or anyone else’s pants. Keep your thoughts in theatreland, impro fans/perverts.

03:10 – “Welcome to the 2012, 11 minute Improvathon”  –  yeah, we’re going strong.

03:12 – Wilf is apparently now mute.

02:14 – We’ve gone back in time, due to mis-typing.

03:14 – Winifred has now been declared “The oldest sexually active geriactric detective in the world”

03:17 – The house band now consists of two-sixths of Falcon Love And The Pigeonettes…. There would be more, but three of the band are in the cast… and the final member may be a figment of my imagination.

03:30 – Like, 13 minutes totally evaporated.  Or I didn’t update the blog. Anyway, it’s half three now, and the plot is somewhere on the stage. People are saying words with their faces and theatrical magic is totally happening.

03:33 – Correction – no magic happened. But theater is still happening.

03:34 -WAIT – THERE’S SOME MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC!

Oh, no. It was a fly. ANOTHER FUCKING FLY! ATTACKING THE DIRECTORS! SOMEBODY SAVE THEM!

03:35 – Uhhh. Fibonacci has forgotten some more shit. And seems the think he’s engaged. Did he get engaged? Did that happen in the missing 13 minutes?

03:36 – There have been lots of costume changes. Why don’t I get a costume change? I deserve a costume change.

Technically, I got new boots – so that’s *like* a costume change. But not a real costume change. Although, there are costumes all around the place….

03:37 – New character. A magician. “The Great Premisciu”. He’s going to, uh, do magic I guess.

03:39 – I actually looked at the blog for the first time in many hours. It is fucking long. You are a poor, poor bastard for having read all this shit.

03:40 – It’s PIANO SOLO TIME!

03:42 – We’re at the Milky Horse Bar, where the stag thing is be do happengoing on.

Correct English grammar and workdohappenings are totally out the window.

03:44 – Wilf’s talking again. Everyone is drunk.  The magician was there and now he’s gone. Because he’s MAGIC.

“What is it about my daughter you love the most? Is it her good tits? It’s her good tits, isn’t it. I can be objective.”

03:45 – Oh fuck. Grandma’s the stripper.

And now Crazy Gary’s arrived. And now Grandma’s stripping. And someone is being the pole upon which she’s going to dance.

The pearls are off. The dress is coming off. No, wait, it’s up. Ok, I didn’t need to see Grandma’s man-junk, but now I have.

The wig’s off… Uh… I don’t think that was part of the strip…

“Take off your support stockings, you dirty bitch”

The priest is jacking off…

And the lights are down. I think we’ve all been spared some nightmares. Thanks Rosie.

03:47 – Ivana and Iwona have gone to see Stanley, the creepy as fuck wood guy. The sisters are touching each other up.

I think everyone’s been dosed with Viagra in the interval.

“Can you carve it out of ice. And wood.” / “Yes, carve it out of Wice.”

The sisters are both American now.

And now they’re not.

“I want those cupcakes that are made out of deer fat. No, deer feathers. And smear it all over your body.”

03:49 – The girls have stolen Stanley’s secret book. It’s full of names….. And ‘Gang Bang’. And “Sticky Floor”. And ‘Bumming’.

Now they’re touching each other’s boobs. And Stanley is touching his own boobs.

03:50 – The girls remember Stanley from their childhood.

“Stanley, Stanley, who had a fanny”

“Your house was full of sticky floors, because you came all over them”.

03:53 – Cliffhanger of sorts … “If you don’t do the wedding for cheap, you’ll never have sex again.” That assumes that the creepy mofo ever had sex before… with something that wasn’t carved out of wood.

03:52 – Margaret is in hospital… for some reason… And being looked after by Doctor Woody Allen.

Jebediah is the heart monitor again. I’ve totally noticed it from the beginning of the scene.

Margaret’s been poisoned. By ‘the Gentiles’.

I’ve always said you fuckers were out to get… um… everyone.

03:54 – Jesus is rotting Margaret out from the inside out. Uh. Right.

03:55 – Burt’s offered to avenge Margaret’s poisoning.

I think the James Bond theme just got played. Are we now in a James Bond show? Because this has involved absolutely no spying. That would probably make more sense. But not as much sense as the bunny/ski lodge show.

03:57 – Margaret is dead. Woody Allen is hitting her with medicine. It’s not working. Girl be dead.

03:58 – The Great Promiscuo, who apparently isn’t called ‘Premisciu’, as I previously stated, is doing magic. He’s a fairly shit magician. But he’s cheap.

In fact, free.

He’s not a particularly good businessman either. But he seems happy.

And now he’s left. Well, stage right. By MAGIC.

04:02 – Richard and Ivana go to a place to find a thing. In the centre of the earth.

“It’s a classic 3-act adventure, in miniature. With action. And adventure. And characters. And a magic campervan of time.”

The James Bond theme is back.

And Captain BoatBeard seems to have forgotten his name.

Mongoloids have attacked. Or are they Mongols? Or hobbits? I can’t tell.

Uh. Richard may be dying.

Captain Boatbeard is going to sacrifice himself to save him. By. Uh. Transferring all his blood into his body. By vampirism.

And now he’s ok again. And possibly German now.

04:-5 – “My favourite bit of that was that one of the villains was defeated by being told to go away.”

….

04:-5 is like, -1. That’s not a time at all….

….

04:06 – Eveline and Iwona are meeting to talk about the fued that they have. Did they have one before? I don’t know. This is taking an extrodinarily amount of effort to type, let alone listen to the wordtalkers.

We’re in a double-entendre room of things.

04:08 – Eveline may have kissed Iwona in front of Burt. Did that happen in the show? I would have remembered that happening in the show.

04:10 – And they’re making out.

Awesome.

04:12 – Staff meeting.

That would have been a cock-joke in the previous scene, but it’s not that scene now. It’s this scene.

Uh. Characters are talking. They have names.

The boss one is telling the not-boss one to do all the work, so he can chill.

“I’d like the windows cleaned, the cars washed, and the horses maimed”

04:15 – Jebedebediah is giving Bobby a whistle.

“The whistle for the dragon.”

So. The dragon’s now a plot point.

04:16 – Father Mmmbop is … uh… on the bed with Honey and Fibonacci.

Oh, wait, I think they’re in a jacuzzi. And clothes.

Do all parishes have jacuzzis?  I don’t know shit for shit about damn Catholics.  That’s what you Improv-dooers get for employing a Jew to blog for you.

04:18 – Fibonacci is now Welsh. And went to the orphanage that Father Mmmbop was in charge of or something. Which was built on the Welsh boarder

“Imagine an eagle made of buildings. with one wing in England, and the other in Wales”

04:20 – The priest, who hates science, apparently used to be a scientist. Who worked at the Small Hadron Collider – the one they had before the Large Hadron Collider was built. It was in Wales. Under a fairground.

“It generated so much electricity that the dodgems exploded – everyone’s hair was all static, and there was candyfloss everywhere”

“I thought science was there to help people, but no, it was just shit.”

04:23 – Lots of talk about science, seems the priest forgot about the whole impending-wedding thing of Fibonacci and Honey.

So, there’s an issue, because he’s still got a family… who are dead…

The priest has told him to show the video of the murder to a judge/policeman/whoever to have the marriage annulled. But he might also go to jail for not stopping the murder.

04:25 – Fibonacci tries to get the ceremony done anyway… all the God stuff, but none of the legal bits. Um. And he’s going for it.

Priests are easily corrupted, it seems, and not just when it comes to sexy little alter boys.

I mean. Alter boys.

Yeah.

04:26 – Wilf and (insert Wife’s name) are still in a place, looking at acts for the wedding.

The first guy is a mime. A talking mime.

I fucking hate mimes.

04:28 – Unrelated to the show:  I’ve been asked to look after the bar while the staff take a nap.

So, to recap (about me, not the show…) I’m watching the show, filming, blogging, watching the show, fielding calls and texts from fuckers who don’t sleep, and now I’m a bartender. A bartender who’ll be drinking more.

Awesome.

04:29 – The show’s still happening, there was a siamese twin singing songs from Joseph.

That reminds me, like in the first act there was a joke about the cast of Phantom Of The Opera performing Les Miserables that was fucking hilarious.

… uh… sorry for bringing that to you like, sixty hours late.

04:30 – Oh God, there’s a fucking ventriloquist. I’m having flashbacks to Magic. Anthony Hopkins is going to appear out of somewhere to cut a bitch up.

04:31 – 15.5 hours in an LOUIS ARMSTRONG HAS APPEARED. He won’t sing. He won’t play trumpet. But he’ll bring a pinata.

04:33 – Margaret McCann is having a funeral. A Viking funeral.

What is this, like, the fourtyfifth funeral of this goddamn show?  Is anyone still alive?

04:35 – Burt’s gonna get his revenge on. And he’s decided to tell his future-wife that he’s going to get his revenge on… on her mother.

Future wife, like will-be-his-wife-in-the-future. Not wife-from-the-future. This isn’t TimeCop, but with a bride.

BrideCop.

Wait, no. TimeBride.

That movie didn’t do quite as well, nor did it spawn numerous direct-to-video sequels, or a swiftly cancelled television show.

04:37 – Meanwhile, back in the show, Margaret was apparently burnt alive. Oops.

04:38 – Richard Famous (who is still maybe German) and Winifred are talking. And possibly teaming up.

Oh. I think Richard is now a vampire. Like, an actual vampire. A Transylvanian vampire. With a German accent.

04:39 – Winifred may have just claimed to have discovered India. and also got saved and fed by monkeys, who do not look like monkeys, but are still monkeys.

Is anyone getting this?

04:40 – Chris Walken is now a bartender. I guess doctoring didn’t work out so well.

And Chris Walken has been eaten by Vampire-Richard.

And now Vampire-Richard and Winifred are an adventuring team.

04:41 – EVERYBODY DANCES.  CAST, CREW and AUDIENCE.

Fuck yeah.  Dancing and blogging.

Dancing. filming, show-watching, blogging and bartending.  I’m all over this like snow on a dead, frozen hobo.

04:44 – The dance is over, everyone’s wide-awake, and it’s Iwona’s hen night at the Sausage Factory night club.

Bring on the strippers, dancers, coke and manwhores.

And Trev is naked. It must be almost-5am.

04:46 – Crazy Gary is dead. The manwhores are being encouraged to strip to bring him back to life.

That’s how these things work… right…?

  • Episode 9 – Sunday, 5am

Welcome the fuck back, you not-sleeping mentals. Why in the name of Leonard Nimoy’s Strechy Old-Man Face are you reading this instead of BEING HERE. And I know you’re reading these drunken/sleep deprived rambles because I’m checking the stats and some 40-odd unique views have come through in the last 5 hours.

So. Yes. Be here. We have… uh… 17 hours left… maybe(?)

05:16 – And I’ve just almost fallen off my chair. But I’m the only show-watching/filming/blogging/bartendering/award-winning-motherfucker you’re going to get right now, so deal with it.

05:18 – Sleep deprived rantings have been validated by a mental on Facebook inquiring “Are you the most popular jew in the world?” I informed him that current poles put me just behind Woody Allen and Adam Sandler.  I’m still kinda pissed about the Sandler thing.

05:20 – “For some reason, talking at volume makes my shoulder hurt.”

05:26 – Father Hanson (mmmbop), the former scientist, father of an illegitimate child from a dead Belizian woman, who is now putting her face all over a maze, is now a vampire hunter.  Isn’t that pretty much the plot of that Priest movie that’s out now?

05: 33 – WISKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Fuck yeah.

05:39 – Tom Bosley has come back from the grave to play Impropriety star Ian Hayles, who is playing himself. After the death of Margaret McCasa, it seems he was left characterless, and will now play every ancillary character who has not been established as of yet.

05:41 – A Hangover/ Dude Where’s My Car – style scene, in the aftermath of the hen night.

This scene started with the non-female cast being corpses. They were quickly asked to leave, and were replaced with a chicken – which is much better. Obviously.

05:42 – ANOTHER actor has had a costume change. WHEN DO I GET A COSTUME CHANGE?

05:43 – Eveline has a bone in her hair. Not a chicken bone. A mystery has been .. um.. created.

Also, there’s a bear in the toilet.  Is there going to be a bearfight?

(No.)

Also – Ian Hayles is playing the anciliary character of “The Bear”. He’s very convincing. But less hairy. At least on his face, that is… he’s still clothed… for now.

05:44 – And there’s a naked man. He’s run off. I think the bear ate him.

“Am I missing a tooth?” / “More than one” / “I think many of us have hit you in the face”

05:46 – “Somebody took photos.” / “Let’s find the photos.” / “To the laboratory!” / “Wait, they’re on the floor.”

Uh… huh.

05:47 – Flashback: Crazy Gary had a chair in his pants. And now Ivana’s clubbed him to death with the chair.

And now their mother’s joined in.

“It is a hen night after all.”

Grandma broke his neck to finish him off… before the cops arrived… because that makes total super awesome sense.

05:48 – They apparently went to a chasm… and disposed of the body there… And also a table…

Why a table?  Your guess is as good as mine.

05:49 – “No chance of anyone finding him – and I’m a detective, so I should know.”

05:50 – Someone and somewhere does something to someplace.

Father 90’s Fraternal Pop Band, and his daughter… uh… Silky Something, have a talk in… the chapel… maybe…?

She has a rare kidney disease, and needs a blood relative – and he’s the only relative she has.

Kidney donation is now compared to vampirism. And also the kidney and liver are apparently entirely interchangeable.

He hates science and medicine is science. So… will he do it…?

05:52 – No.

05:54 – He’s got an alternative plan. It involves whistling.

Oh, wait, he’s miming. And putting her in The Bath Of Holy Tears, which was blessed by Saint Phlebotomist… or… something.

05:55 – is she saved?  No idea. I went to get a banana while they were talking. I’m sure we’ll get a recap eventually.

05:56 – Uh. New scene. I missed the call. There are bunnies. One has a mustache.And they’re rubbing up against Jebediah.

Ok, restarting the scene: Jebediah’s in the orchard. And this’ll be like The Birds, but with all kinds of animals menacing at him. From afar.

05:57 – The concept of ‘menacing from afar’ has been lost on the cast, who turned up as animals and attacked Jebedaiah. With their animal-fists.

05:59 – Ok, so, after a diatribe from the director about Hitchcock being a mental, destroying Tipi Hedren’s career, and the entire concept/plotline of The Birds, we’re going to try this scene again.

06:00 – And they’re totally menacing the fuck out of jebediah.

Jebediah doesn’t seem to be able to tell the difference between birds and any other animal.

06:01 – Well. That was more like the forest scene from Disney’s Snow White crossed with … something where people pretend to be animals, and the only haman character can’t identify what type of animals they are meant to be.

06:02 – It’s the first 24-style scene of the show.

“Hi, what’s the time?” / “…Uh.. Something…?” / “Ok, I’m going to stop the terrorists now.”

06:03 – These people seem to have never seen 24 ever. It’s mostly involving Iowna crawling around on the floor like she’s lost a contact lens.

She’s standing again. And now she’s kidnapped.  And Burt doesn’t seem to know anything about 24 either.

Some guy is telling Iowna that Burt’s a crazy bitch. Which. Um. He is… maybe?

I don’t remember any more.

06:05 – Iowna now has a gun. And a partner.

And there’s a Star Wars reference.

06:06 – “You know what this scene needs?  More genres!”

Now it’s a talk show. And also a mob show. And a children’s TV show. And now Shakespeare.

And now Iownas picking things up and putting them in other places. Right. Yes.

Film Noir now. Much less picking things up and putting them back down.

06:08 – Iowna is now either an American femme fetale,  or a Russian spy. Or I’m completely mis-hearing the accent.

Or not.

06:09 – Place. People. Scene. Yes.

06:10 – Room of Narrative Parallels. That’s where…. Wilfred, wait, no, Winifred and… Reggie? Rocky? Rambo? Whatever, the preacher guy.

06:11 – We’re being told the story of Goldilocks. I don’t know why.

This just in: The guy’s name is Richard. I totally knew that.

06:12 – Richard’s crying. And comparing her to Cindarella, and himself to the evil stepsister.

So. Uh. Is he a cross dresser…. and/or…. her sister…?

06:13 – So, they both finally admitted they had no idea what ‘narrative parallels’  meant. Which is fair enough, it’s 6am and I don’t know who the fuck anyone is anymore.

06:14 – New scene called. with… uh… Pet Shop Woman and Wilfred.

Pet Shop Woman has a giant, invisible chinchilla.  I’m going to name it ‘Killer’. Or maybe ‘Bitey’. It’s done neither yet, but it’s totally on the horizon.

Tiny Pygmey Pigs. Uh. Yes. They’ve been introduced. And also Llamas.

I think they might be after alternatives for swans.

Llamas are the opposite of swans. With less wings and more spitting.

06:15 – The Cinchilla bit Wilfred. I saw that shit coming like a motherfuck.

That’s not how you spell Chinchilla.

Pet Shop Girl turns out to be Eveline. Which kinda makes sense, seeing as she’s played by the same actress.. but then again, we had twins played by the same person who are now played by two different people, who may or may not still be switching roles still, so who the fuck knows who is who and were they are are why THAT FUCKING FLY IS STILL ALIVE AND ATTACKING THE CAST.

The cast survived the attack. Barely. Stay tuned for more fly-updates.

06:18 – The swans are in a battery farm. And their necks are all tangled.

Is this how swans are made, and why their necks are all twisty? I’m not a swan enthusiast, so I have no fucking clue.

06:20 – Mr. Mandlebrot has totally got 1000 swans for the price of a dance, instead of paying cash money on the line.

Go him.

It’s time to DANCE LIKE A SWAN.

And now LIKE A BAT.

And now A WILD BOAR.

Total animal dance rock out time.

It was about to be a song. But it isn’t now.

06:22 –  Creepy fucktard Stanley Brewer is now Promiscuio’s Magician’s Assistant. Because he’s good at chopping shit up.

Promiscuio and Stanley will perform “The Amazing Chopped Up Woman”.

Uh… that didn’t end so well. Now they’ve got to dispose a body. In front of their audience.

Yet another murder. I guess we were due one this episode…

06:24 – Silky is about to tell Jebedidebedidiah about her terrible, horrible disease of The Livney. Or Kidners. Whichever…

I missed the scene, because I was stretching my legs… but I think the two of them are going to ‘convince’ Father whatsit to do the kidneything… or.. um… else?

06:29 – Death catchup.  Here we go:
Sunday the Crime-Fighting Dog
Captain BoatBeard
Cherry Woolfe
Timothy Dreary
Mary-May Lewis
Margaret McCee… McCake…?  Whatever.

06:31 – Someone and someone’s doing a picnic.

BEEEEEEES!

BEE JUICE!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Honey and Fibonacci are talking words of sweet nothings and talking about ‘being sticky’.

And continuing to talk about becoming ‘really sticky’

“What if I rub it in your hair?”

I’m hoping that was a nonsequiter.

No. It wasn’t.

06:33 – Is this an innuendo scene?  He’s now “rubbing his salami” on her.

I think I missed something.

06:34 – I forgot I was meant to be paying attention to the filming. My camera’s been pointing a little bit too high to see this scene. Probably for the best.

06:36 – Four words:  CASUAL RACISM DINING HALL.

That’s right, casual racism is now being encouraged.

It lasted 3 seconds, in which a guy came on in a burka, and the lights went down straight away.

06:37 – Re-doing the scene.

So, we’ve got a black slave, the Japanese man, a British toff (is that racist?), an old Indian man, A dutch milkmaid in clogs with Edam,  A Mexican… maybe… or maybe just a Spaniard, A New York Jew who may or may not be Larry David, An Irishman (played by an Irishman, so I don’t think it counts, someone Northern, I think. The black slave is back, now singing Zip’a Dee Doo Dah. Now a German, and…. A Korean… maybe…?

It’s hard to tell racisms when a fair few of the accents sound the same, and they’re all performed by white people.

06:41 – HI OCTANE DRUM SOLO.

Performed by a man with a single snare.

And now a piano.

Totally rock and roll.

06:42 – We’re asking the audience again

“What would you like to see?” / “Another scene” / “And in the scene?” / “Actors” / “Well, regret is a part of life… And performed by the actors…?” / “…. A birth!” / “Great!”

06:43 – Seems that audience wasn’t taken on board at all, because this scene is now a hoe-down.

Everyone’s dancing in the wrong direction. And the music is bluesy, not country.

Is this still part of the plot…?

06:45 – The entire hoedown is now being improvised.

Yeah. It’s a little bit hap-hazard.

And now it’s ove.r Probably for the best.

  • Episode 10 – Sunday, 7am

Ok, it’s 5am, wait, no, 7am. And to celebrate, 5 fuckers be sleeping.  One of them is the sound guy, so I’m not sure who’s recording the sound… Two of them are performers, one of which is on the set-bed, which is mostly wood, with no mattress, and the remaining two may be homeless people who wandered in.

Other than them, everyone else is still rocking hard.

And I’m having trouble remaining balanced whilst standing up… so… yay?

07:02 – “It’s early, so we have very little audience.”  – Yeah, dwarfs barely sleep, and are terrified of the early morning sun.

07:05 – Ian Hayles is now no longer Tom Bosley playing Ian Hayles playing every ancillary character. He’s now Cleo Lane. Who… uh… no clue.  I’m sure all will be explained. Or it won’t and everything will carry on as if nothing’s changed.

But it has changed. Oh has it changed.

Or not.

07:08 – We have one audience member, and it’s Howard of Howard Be Thy Name. My Band. So, yeah. Go us.

07:10 – The hot 30’s (character/story catchups) are being introduced directly to Howard. The director is also talking to him.

We sorely need an audience. Come down to the motherfucking show, you blog-reading fucksticks, so we don’t have to fuel is ego any further by having 20-some people PERFORMING AN ENTIRE SHOW TO JUST HIM AND HIM ALONE.

07:20 – NEW CHARACTER.  Someone Something. A boring scientist. How do you make science boring? It’s full of EXPLOSIONS and MORE EXPLOSIONS. And RAINBOWS and KITTENS.

And KITTEN RAINBOWS. EXPLODING RAINBOW KITTEN RAINBOW EXPLOSIONS.

Fuck yeah.

So how do you make that shit boring?

07:25 – The director is now listing countries he hasn’t been to. And talking about cakes made of iron. In the shape of the castle in Disneyland. EuroDisney, that is, not Real Disneyland.

07:28 – “My sister’s trying to get married, and people are all getting up in her grill n’ shit.” – I couldn’t have described the entire plot any more succinctly. Well, maybe I would have mentioned the whole murder/mystery/everything else aspect.

07:30 – “I haven’t seen my fiance for three days, and the last time I saw him he kidnapped my mom, and I made a complete pig’s ear of rescuing him.”

There we go, more plot.

And now the bride fell off her chair. Good job.

07:33 – It occurs to me that my maths sucks, and I’ve been saying “17 hours left” for at least the last three  episodes.

If I could still read proper good, I would probably get a calculator. But right now I would have trouble spelling ‘boobies’ on it, let alone add things.

07:34 – “We’ll fight in a horse… pen” – He probably means a stable. Fighting in a horse would have been better. Horses are lovely and warm on the inside. Like a big, horsey womb. Made of other organs that are mostly not wombs.

07:35 – Priesty Priestington and Hotel Owner Man are going to fight. In a horse. Pen. Stable. Whatever. They’re the only two matches for kidney doning for Preistington Priesty Priest’s daughter. Donatering. Donering. Yes. And so, one of them will have their kidney removed forcibly by the end of the fight.

07:38 – Both of the fightees have agreed to slowly become addicted to opium as the fight carries out.

I think it was the result of a misspeak, but I couldnt’ tell you, because I’ve got an entirely different show going on in my head.

It’s got monkeys. monkeys riding bees. And those bees are riding possums.

And those possums are On the wings of bats made of strudel and candyfloss. And they fight crime.

SPACE CRIME.

In SPACE.

At the centre of the earth.

It’s a great show. Scott Bakula is in it.

He’s starring as Sam Beckett who has accidentally Leaped into the planet earth, which is now sentient, like Mogo, the planet’s that’s also a Green Lantern.

And the space crime inside him is being fought by the monkey-riding-bees-riding-possums-riding-candifloss/strudel-bats.

(Yeah. Coming up with this kind of shit is *actually* my job.)

07:45 – Fuck, I went on a tangent for almost 10 minutes and missed two entire scenes.

Howard is now in the scene. He’s a guy talking to Eveline and the married-couple-to-be.  They’re explaining the plot.

But you already know the plot. so, no need to recap.

o7:47 – So. Space crime solved inside Scott Bakula inhabiting the sentient planet earth.

The letter ‘o’ is now a number, because my steadily blurring eyes are confused by the bright, bright screen, and the story I’ve got going on in my head that has nothing to do with this story.

“Beep boop booop” / “What’s that Ziggy? Sam’s got to grow back his O-zone layer, fix the environment, and solve all the space crime that’s going on inside him? Fuck that, I want a sandwich.”

That was a preview of dialogue from “Quantum Leap 2: Quantumier Leapierer”.

Not to be confused with my other series about diseased physicists, “Quantum Leper”.

07:52 – Time for a WEIRD FUCKING CARD GAME. Big Reggie, (Richard? Robert?) and Burt and Boring Scientist are playing a game that is both a card game and also an athletic sport.

Not to be mistaken for my High-Jumping-Surveyor dramedy “Quantative Leapers”.

07:54 – Boring Scientist Who May Have A Name is being taught how to ride dirt bikes by the other two mens.

I am so confused right now.

This is more confusing than my Intentionally-Complicated-Big-Cat-Based-Court-Drama “Convoluted Leopards”.

07:55 – It occurs to me that I’ve very much left the Quantum Leap conceit.

07:56 – Wilfred and Virginia are about to sign divorce papers.

But they don’t have a pen.

So they’re not signing. And they’re talking instead.

Talking about maybe not getting divorced.

Dang, that fuckballing magician turned up with a pen, and now they’re maybe-possibly-maybe getting divorced after all.

Oh dear, the pen doesn’t work. What a pity – now nobody’s getting divorced and they can be happy ever after. Maybe.  Probably. Yeah.

07:59 – Dear actors: If you say “This is really important” and then hit a table, for those of us that have lost the thread of narrative/logic/huh, we are going to start thinking that the table is the important thing.

08:00 – “We’ve got two nice girls and one dead one” / “I’m quite glad the dead one’s dead” – My parents said the same thing when they backed my little brother over with the car.

08:L2 – Uhh.

L is now a number also.

08:02 – They’re not getting divorced after all.

Or are they?

They’re not. They’ going to have a happy marriage now. After the first 20 years it can only go up from here. probably.

But he’s signed. So… are they half-divorced?

I don’t know how these things work.

08:03 – A new scene called. With. People.

08:04 – It’s a Starbucks. Cleo Whatever is talking to Eveline and Ivana. About… cock.

Wait, no, love.

Yeah. Love. And Men. And maybe also cock.

08:05 – I both stretched and yawned. Strawned. Or is it Yetched?

08:06 – “I offered him a shoulder of advice” – It’s that point in the show where that makes perfect sense.

08:05 – We’re back in time, due to a misstype.

08:07 – And we’re back in the now(ish). Ivona’s been eating a lot of blood to stop her… boyfriend(?) from still being a vampire.

She seems to have been dating the vampire.

Her and Evelina are drinking Pork Slushies. Ew. Salty.

08:08 – “Men eat too much blood.” / “Ok.” / “Yes.” / “Why don’t you sing about it.”

And so… it’s time for a MUSICAL NUMBER. This one’s about VEGETARIANISM.

Fucking hippies.

Where’s a song for me about steaks and cheeseburgers and lamb and ‘ting?

08:09 – It’s actually a fairly good song. But it’s not about squealing, suffering, tasty, tasty veal. So I’m less interested than I would be normally.

08:10 – Hospital. Someone’s there dying.

I think it’s Silky, but I can’t see, because she’s under the bed covers.

08:11 – Pretend doctor, Dr. Christopher Walken is back, to administer more paracetamol suppositories.

08:13 – There’s now a grassy knoll at the bottom of the hospital bed. The heart monitor is passing people scalpels. And Dr. Chris Walken is going to take out a kidney from a nurse.

It’s fine, she’s got 17 of them.

Well. 16 now.

18:14 – Kidney Suppository time!

18:15 – The directors don’t know what’s going on with the wedding. Howard doesn’t know what’s going on with the wedding. I don’t fucking know what’s going on with the wedding.

“This scene, unlike every other meeting scene in improv, will be productive.” / “This scene, unlike every other MEETING in improv, will be productive.”

18:16 – We’re 20 seconds into the scene and NOTHING productive has happened.

The twins are hugging and laughing – is that part of the plot?

18:17 – Granny’s now a bridesmaid.

The wedding party will arrive at 10am. The bike jump will be at 1030am.

You just missed possibly the funniest joke of the ep. And it was a visual gag, so I can’t repeat it.

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A READER, Y’GODDAMN READER.

18:20 – Wilf is going to do an EXTRA SPECIAL DANCE to pay for the wedding.

18:21 – Creepy bitch Stanley Whatever, just recited an entire list of things Iowna wanted at her wedding that was mentioned in the first episode. From 17 hours previous.

FUCK YEAH! People are remembering shit! Go them!

18:22 – “Big Richard Jackson and Winifred…. exist… and there’s some animosity there… am I right?” – The director is as shit hot at this as I am. But he’s talking, and I’m typing. Together, we are word-make-happeners of TWO, count’em TWO methods of communication.

18:24 – Richard is performing Hurculean tasks to prove his love for Granny. He’s done something… maybe yoga?, pushed a thing, made a prank call to Dominos…

Ew. Distracted by the epicly sucktastic smell of bacon wafting from the kitchen. Urgh. I hate bacon.

18:25 – Now he’s skipping with bunting. And now lifting up a chest of draws…. amd the chest of draws is facing him… and the draws hit him in the face.

He didn’t think that through.

18:27 – Richard and Granny be shagging.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Now it’s in slow motion.

Eeeew. Eeeeww Eeeewwwwww.

18:28 – “In the place where the hotel has  a fight ring.” / “The gymnasium?” / “We’re in the gymnasium!”

Priesty Priestingtonton and Hotel Man Owner Man are about to fight for the right to steal another man’s kidney. Chris Walken is the referee.

18:29 – Catholic Hadoken!  Priestarang!

HotelMan picks up a chair – the director chimes in:

“Mime is safer than props! Mime is safer than props!”

Priestitty Priestiboo is about to use ‘The God Finger’

But no! The fight is intervened with in and of and yes. Silky appears and stopped it. She’s fine now, and is surprised that Chris Walken is the referrand didn’t decide to mention that the fight was entirely not necessary.

And everything is good with the world.

Until 15 minutes time where it ALL. KICKS. OFF. (probably)

  • Episode 11 – Sunday, 9am

Urgh. The ENTIRE VENUE SMELLS OF BACON. Uuuuuuuuugh.

Blargh. Blurg. Blaaaarrrrggghhhh.

Fucking pigeaters.

Meanwhile. Show. Yes. Uh. Something.

08:48 – Totally bit through my lip. Currently bleeding all over a bagel. Go me.

It’s almost 9am time time for BREAKFAST WHISKY!

Breakfast whisky for the win.

09:00 – In other news, we’re 2 hours from CHILREN’DS HOUT.

Also known as CHILDREN’S HOUR.

So. Yes. From 11am the show will be entirely child-friendly.

The blog however, will remain cuntspunkingly foul-mouthed, because censorship is one step away from Communism. Or Fascism.  Or both. Comnashism. And you wouldn’t want to be considered one of them, would you. No. Not at all.

09:04 – I’ve been challenged to survive this entire segment whilst standing on one leg. I have accepted this challenge. Blogging might become less-legible and less-Englishy as the episode goes on.

09:13 – “Welcome to the year of now, the place of here, where we’re performing the 2012 Liverpool Improvathon a year in advance.”

09:14 – “Join us if you will at the Jury’s Inn…. I mean, the Fools Rush Inn…”

09:15 – Uhhh. Granny’s now Pregnant.

Pregnant now has a capital T. And also P. PregnanT.

All ImportanT words from now on will require a capital letter and both the front and the rear.

09:19 – “I’ll help you if you help me let you help me help you me help me you. If you’ll let me.”

Just to remind you, I shall be spending thhe ENTIREYT… and also the ENTIRETY of this episode standing on one leg.

09:24 – Nobody seems to know how to pronounce Proscuttio… Prosmootio… Promiscuo’s name. Probably.

09:25 – NEW CHARACTER! Wait, no, CHARACTER INTRODUCED IN LAST SEGMENT.  Ignore this entirely.

09:28 – “You’ll have read about this guy in the televisions. When they show text… at night… in the ninties…”

09:35 – ” I just looked up there and seen a boat, but it’s not there or real.” – That was not acting, Helen’s *actually* seeing shit.

09:38 – MUSICAL NUMBER. Set on the boat that Helen hullucinated.

Ow. Standing on one foot sucks. How do cripples and horribly deformed people do this shit?

09:39 – There are three oracles in Tescos: Jimmy Saville, Paul Daniels and Martin Luther King. Someone’s there to talk to… all of them?

09:40 – Paul Daniels is spot on. Jimmy Saville is now a cockney. I think Martin Luther King is about to be white…

09:41 – Turns out the camera has been pointing the wrong way for half this scene. Maybe I should concentrate more of filming and less on balancing…

09:42 – Yes. Martin Luther King is white. And also possibly a checkout guy at Tesco.

09:43 – Two magicians are having a duel front stage, while the *point* of the scene is off to the back… with the lead facing the wrong way… Uh… Someone get on there and turn him round this way… or teach him stagecraft.

09:44 – “You’ve never experienced the warm love of a relative…?” – and we’re back to incest… just 75 minutes before Children’S HouR.

I remember things. Especially NeW and ExcitinG linguistic techniques I’ve created.

09:46 – Some mentals have walked on stage… are they part of the scene?

Yes. Yes they are. They tried to move the PloT along. I don’t think it worked.

09:49 – Even the magician cannot pronounce his name.  Hh’s now referring to himself as “The Magician”

09:50 – Cleo Lane is in the jazz lounge. Preggo-Granny is going to talk to her about being up the duff. Because jazz singers are all about that shit.

09:54 – MUSICAL NUMBER! About if an old woman gives birth to a baby if it’ll come out normal, or all Benjamin Button’d.

Because that’s how that movie totally worked.

09:55 – OW. Standing on one foot sucks. And balancing is the complete opposite of fun.

09:56 – “You could use a steaming in your throat.”

09:57 – It’s The Bridesmade of 2011 final.

Honey, Kate Middleton, Iowna and Marie Curie are facing off for the prize.

Albert Einstein is judging. Along with… Christopher Walken.

09:59 – Marie Curie is suffering from Radiation Poisoning… And also being back from the dead. But mostly the poisoning. But she’s also the sexiest woman from history, so. y’know, there’s that.

10:01 – Honey blew the crowd away with a spectacular… bride twirl.

10:02 – Iowna blew the shit out of Honey’s twirling.

And now there’s a twirl-off between the two of them. And Honey kicked the shit out of Iowna… who may or may not have injured herself terribly in the process.

10:04 – Back in the Priesthouse, Silky and Priestity Priestington are surrounded by carvings of him (done like, a thousand hours back…) and talk about things.

10:05 – The priest is now speaking Welsh. It’s a little bit racist.

10:07 – “You know what?  I decided a thing!”

10:08 – Turns out Silky’s mother is still alive. When he thought her dead 20-some (40-some?) years ago. And he just found this out a minute ago… via text… He’s done with the church, and is going to  find his not-dead love and marry her.

10:09 – “Eveline is going to prove to Richard Famous that she’s better than world hunger… sorry, better than ending world hunger… she’s obviously better than world hunger”

Wait. Wasn’t Ivona the one who loved Richard Famous?

10:10 – Only another 30-40 minutes of being stood on one foot and I’ll have won this bet. Also, in other news: OW!

10:11 – Jededybeddeydiah is naming the titles of books he might write one day. “My Book” is the best suggestion thus far. “Animal Cruelty – Not For Children” is also pretty good.  Ivona interrupts. With important news. “I saw a man on the roof. He was small. He had wood.”

Oh, actual wood.

“It was in his pants, and in his hands”

Maybe not.

“It’s what he’s going to do with that wood that’s important.” / “Is that good news for you?” / “Yes!”

She’s in love. With a man full of wood.

10:18 – OK, Lauren Silver has officially gone mental also.

Ivona’s been wearing an engagement ring since the first segment, and is not engaged to anyone.

10:20 – Wilf and Virginia are in a ferris wheel, whilst listing their children in order of preference. Virginia seems to have got into the ferris wheel carriage a fair bit after Eilf. And also Wilf. I’m not sure how that happened.

10:21 – The dead one’s been ranked first, because she’s dead, and it’s apparently a social faux pas not to put her first…

10:22 – And now the ferris wheel is on fire.  I’m sure this’ll be wrapped up later, because now we’re moving to … Tesco.

10:23 – The guy in Tesco who was doing things, facing the wrong way, is now going to identify his plot point, and then complete that point.

10:24 – And it’s a callback to Fibonacci. Who isn’t here. So, that made no sense.

10:25 – Cleo Lane is going to sing a song that relates to that scene. Maybe.

MUSICAL NUMBER

I think this was meant to be set in a jazz bar, but it’s kinda a dirge.

The song has established that he should have picked ANYONE ELSE IN THE CAST. And also maybe PAID ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING SHOW.

10:28 – Big Richard and The adorably mental Iowna are reading the reviews of the show thusfar.

Rich is on the way to losing his voice, so he’s doing sign language.

10:29 – The reviews are pretty good. And also full of non sequitors. About the inaccuracies of the politics within the show.

10:30 – “If liverpool was an island, then the Improvathon would be the spec on the top of the ocean.”

“If this show were space, then this show would not be in space.”

“And also, obituaries to those who died, and congratulations to those who are being wed.”

10:32 – Eveline and Richard are talking. About their love. She’s woo’d him good and proper.

“I’m so angry my words can’t even function”  – yeah, that sums up the whole cast right now.

10:35 – BOBBY DAVRO IS BACK! HE’S BEEN TO BUTLINS! ALL OF THIS MAKES SENSE!

10:36 – Virginia and Wilf are still trapped on the burning ferris wheel.

The fire is played by the cast.

Which. Will totally work.

10:36 – Ivona has a fire extiguisher. She’s refusing to use it because she’s not the favourite. Did I mention they picked Iowna as the favourite?  Well they did.

She’s saved them anyway. Everything’s going to be ok.

Probably.

For at least a few minutes…

10:38 – Ivana’s now American. Again. Possibly not on purpose.

It’s now THE FINAL SCENE OF THE EPISODE. which means I GET TO NOT BE ON ONE LEG SOOn.

10:40 – The entire relationship-happenings is recapped

Priesty is Silky’s faher. He un-priested in an earlier scene – so he bought a priesthood online
Honey is Wilf’s illigitimate father. Wait. Daughter.
Iowna and Burt are going to be married.
Nobody seems to have a reason why the two can’t be wed. Which is weird, because you’d think that would happen.

Is nobody else related? Weird.

The couple are going to twirl and embrace, while everyone else runs around, into the arms of their loved ones.  This was Iwona’s idea – and remember, she has now gone fairly fucking insane.

“I love your mustache” – that was her. And a non-sequitor.

THe magician is in love with a face carved into a beating heart given to him by Stanley Whatever. Which was in a previous scene, that I think I forgot to transcribe.

Richard’s planning to cut a bitch.

The jazz singer chick is stroking Jebededebadiah. Kinda like a dog. Weird.

OH MY FUCK!

The groom said the WRONG MOTHERFUCKING NAME at the rehearsal!

He called Iowna ‘Mary-May’ – his dead girl-best-man-friend.

And now they’re singing the classic hymn “What a hulabaloo”.

It’s beautiful. Really.Although everyone seems to be running away in panic, leaving only the priest left to sing the hymn.

Anyway, that’s it for episode … 253?  Come along to the Kazimier for Episode next, which starts at 11ish for MOTHERCUNTINGCHILDRENDSHOUR

Also. I stood on one leg for the WHOLE EPISODE. So I think that makes me KING OF COCKSHITTING BALANCE. Or just regular balance. Shitting cocks is probably not helpful to maintaining one’s balance. Plus, you have to eat the cocks first. And y’know, that’s a whole different barrel of kettles.

Oh yes.

Up next: ChildreN’s HouR for the spunkgargling win.

  • Episode 12 – Sunday, 11am – CHILDREN’S HOUR!

And we’re back! The cast are all dressed up in child-friendly costumes because once again THEY GET COSTUME CHANGES AND I DO NOT.

A fair few of them are in animal costumes and/or pajamas. Because kids *love* adults in pajamas. And adult-sized manimals.

11:03 – Rules for childrens hour: “If you threatened to kill someone in the previous episode, then this episode, you’re threatening to steal their favourite toy, or their stash of sweets, or just not be their  friend.”

Yeah. Because 20-some sleep-deprived sex/violence obsessed fuckers can remember that shit.

11:15 – Ew. Have I just been given a cup of Earl Grey?  I hate that shit. It’s like the borderline between real tea and a herbal tea. If I wanted that in my life, I would give up all my worldly possessions, quit bathing, and live on a hemp farm raising veal foals just so I could give them hugs. You know, like all hippies do.

11:17 – All the characters have changed their.. um.. everything….

11:20 – Wilf Woolfe now “loves spinning”. I think he might mean cooking meth.

11:21 – Grandma’s bouncing around, and Sunday The Crime Fighting Dog is alive again, for this episode.

11:22 – Jebediah Stringbean is now a pro-vegetable spokesperson

11:23 – Bobby Davro may now be *that* Bobby Davro. He’s telling awful, awful jokes. He’s probably *that* Bobby Davro.

11:24 – Eveline Carnate is basically the same. But she doesn’t have several dead former-husbands.

11:25 – Hanson (Mmmbop) is now maybe Irish again. Oh no, he’s Welsh.

He’s got an imaginary friend who is ‘up in the sky and controls everything’.

Where is this heading… is it blasphemy…?  In children’s hour?

11:26 – No, it’s Vince McMahon.

11:27 – Honey Moon is acting like she’s got brain damage. She’s twirling. Um. Yes.

11:28 – Burt and Big Richard are now ‘P & J – The Pajama Boys’. They live together. In a treehouse. And are totally straight.

11:29 – Virginia Woolfe seems to have forgotten that one of her daughters is dead. I guess you can’t talk about that shit to kids.

11:31 – Richard Famous is now… fairly similar, but much less vengeancey. He’s threatening to ‘borrow one of Bobby Davro’s jokes’. I think that’s a metaphor.

11:33 – Stanley Brewer is now not a mental, and now carves happy faces into statues that look sad.

11:34 – Silky Sheets is now. Um. Still a cleaner. But may also be Cinderella.

11:35 – Fibionacci Mandlebrot is BACK. He’s stopped doing ‘difficult sums’ and is now doing ‘good, easy sums’.  And also he’s getting married.

I thought people weren’t meant to mention marriage. Definitely not fucking, but I think marriage was on the list also. Oh well, buttfuck it.

11:36 – The Great Subbutio (Magician guy) was apparently one of the Defenders of the Earth. I think he was The Phantom. Or maybe Flash Gordon. Or one of the other really popular characters who also have names.

11:37 – Cleo Lane is not a man-stroking Jazz Singer. Now she sings ‘jolly songs’.  I think she might be a lesbian now.

11:39 – The twins are now… Well… one of them is in yellow PJs “Dressed like Dazzler from the X-Men”, and the other is a tiger. They’re still meant to be identical. Tigers and PJs are totally identical. Does that make sense? Probably. To, like, mental fuckers.

11:41 – Wilf and Jedebedebeeboobahbee are going to eat a healthy, nutritious meal. Maybe.

Fart joke in the first scene. Well done to everyone involved.

11:42 – Wilf ate all of Jebideedebbieedoodah’s beans and left him with none. He also didn’t eat the crusts off his bread.

“You should always eat the crust on your bread – it makes your hair go curly!”

11:43 – The children are being taught entirely incorrect facts about vegetables imbuing super-strength. And child labour laws are entirely being ignored.

11:44 – Jebbiebebbiadeeboo is making Wilf eat Broccoli so he too can have super-strength too.

“If you eat the tree-shaped things, you can lift tree-shaped things”

11:45 – So, basically, if you eat something of a certain shape, you can lift objects of that exact shape.

I sense factual inaccuracies.

But with the power of mime, it all totally worked.

11:46 – Bobby is having a whiny, screamy bitch-fit about his jokes going missing.

It’s a long fucking bitchfit. Fitting like a total bitch.

Richard’s walked in on Bobby telling Eveline jokes.

11:51 – This scene is about musical food groups and a balanced diet.

Um.

Yeah.

Totally.

MUSICAL NUMBER!

ONE THAT ISN’T ABOUT SEX OR VIOLENCE!

WOO!

11:54 – That was over sooner than expected. So now it’s time for a MUSICAL INTERLUDE!

Probably because THE DIRECTORS NEED TO WORK OUT WHAT’S NEXT!

WOO! KIDS HOUR!

And it’s time for an improvised choreographed dance number.  Which totally works.

I kinda want to play the drum now.

11:56 – Honey and Fibionacci are on a plane to Las Vegas.  And Las Vegas is totally aimed at kids. Obvi. Duh.

Seems that some of the players forgot this is kids hour, and one of them acted out a bird being hit by an aeroplane.

11:57 – Oh fermented cockcheese! They forgot to bring (or find?) a bridesmaid.

And apparently you can’t get married in Las Vegas if you don’t have a bridesmaid.

Them’s the rules.

11:58 – Uuuh… Cindarella was on the plane. She might be a bridesmaid.

Oh, wait, they’ve picked a kid instead. Let’s just fuck the plot with a big ol’ stick of whateverness.

12:00 – the kid ain’t gonna do it. So, her mom’s playing the bridesmaid instead.

12:01 – Priesty priestingtonton is now Elvis. And still a priest. He may have had a stroke.

12:03 – The twins are now… in a school?  Explaining the difference between… tigers… and disco… did I hear that right?

12:04 – Disco dance number! With Dazzler and The Tiger.

They are discoing the fuck out of this dance.

And the audience is joining in. Disco for the motherfunking win.

Now it’s a disco freestyle. Nobody here knows anything about disco. But it’s totally convincing.  To the six year olds. Maybe.

12:06 – “It’s a scientific fact that the best stories are told in treehouses. There’s no evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.”

One of the PJ Brothers kicked over their beer. Which… is for the kids. Obviously.

12:08 – the audience is being taught how to create a zipline with a normal household coathanger, and a normal household crossbow.

Kids will die. It will be their fault. And this can totally be used in court as evidence.

12:09 – Dr. Chris Walken is back. For Kids Hour. Chris is great around kids. Not like those Bulger killers. No. They are not the ones you want to call when you need a babysitter.

However, if you need a baby killer, they are totally your guys.

Yeah.

12:11 – The … um … Someone.. goes to Hogwarts.

Hogwarts was *Actually* mentioned in the first ep.

It’s Subbuteo.

And Trev/The Priest is Ron Weasley. Because he is a ginger.

Silver/Ivona is Hermionie.

Big Richard is on Carl’s shoulders, and is now Hagred.

Was someone Dumbledoor? Everyone’s saying goodbye to Dumbledoor.

And someone’s Mrs McGonnacal.

And these are all characters that I totally reciognise from the movies, but didn’t know actually had names.

What is it with everyone having names? It just makes things difficult.

12:15 – The invisibility cloak has been thrown to the floor – “Where has the floor gone” – I’m surprised that never happened in the books/movies.

12:16 – there’s a woman walking around with a motorcycle helmet in the background of the scene… I haven’t seen the last two or three movies – is that part of them? Creepy motorcycle dude/chick? Is there an Easy Rider scene in them? Are we still in the same movie?

12:18 – The closest we’ve got to casual racism in this section is Ron Weasly referring to people as Mudbloods. And now he’s been made to apologise.

And be flagellated.

Ok, maybe not flagellated.

Felated?

No, not that either.

12:20 – Winnifred is now the great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother of Wilf. She and Virginia are planning the… best friend party…?

Is this still a wedding show?

12:21 – Grandma is a cake addict. And owns a ghost dog.

Not Forest Whittaker.

Let’s get that straight right now. He doesn’t own Forest Whittaker. Because that’d be slavery, and that’s a whole level of racism we are not going anywhere near at this point in time.

12:23 – I missed the rest of the scene. It ended with “don’t play with knives”. Which is good advice, depending on what the context was of the scene….

12:24 – Stanley Whatsit has found a shit-ton of sad statues. He’s going to make them happy.

He’s apparently using words, rather than a chisel. Which is probably for the best, seeing as they’re being played by people and people hate chisels in their faces.

12:25 – “All is happy in statue land”

Yeah. Right.

“And that’s how sculpture works”

12:27 – Sounds like it’s the Cinderella allegory.

“She’s going to miss all the jelly and ice cream that the dog was rubbed on”.

Dazzler and The Tiger are here to help.

And.. now… Another crossbow/coathanger zipline…. someone call health and saftey. Seriously.

12:28 – MUSICAL NUMBER. About… um… TIDYING UP! Oh yeah. How much more rock and cocking roll could you ask for.

12:30 – It occurs to me that with his robe open, Big Richard is exposing maybe a little bit too much flesh for a kids show.

1@:31 – which is French for 12:31… Let’s try this again:

12:31 – Father Whatever is preaching about Kane and The Undertaker. Which is totally kid-friendly.

Aside: it occurs to me that I haven’t done a spit-take yet. Which means, nothing has made me laugh so hard that I’ve spat up over my poor bastard laptop. Yet.
It’ll come, I’m sure. And then I’ll stop blogging for 15-20 minutes while I clean up after myself.

What’s that you say? It’s ChildrenS HouR?  Time for some ChildrenS HouR CelebratorY WhiskY!

Woooooooo!

12:35 – You know that curtain I moved out of the way so I can see?  Seems I left it in front of the camera for half this scene.

Oops.

12:37 – I think I heard “What’s a chinkychineseburn” in that scene, but it may have been my racistdar going off accidentally.

12:39 – a game was just played. Everyone was on stage and pretended to be frogs or something. And then they jumped on the Priest.

Was that part of the game? Who knows.

12:40 – Director Paul Foxcroft is now in a scene. He’s hugging P and J. And now there’s going to be a hip hop dance off.

After another crossbow and coathanger deathtrap is created.

Now it’s time for…

A HIP HOP DANCE-OFF

Which is totally um. Popping? Is that what you kids say?

Well, it’s that. Honestly.

No sardonic intent in that statement whatsoever.

12:42 – A scene was called, but I was constructing the previous sentence, and then I started thinking about cake,  so I missed it.

I fucking love cake.

But not as much as I love BEEEEEEEES.

And whisky.

But best of all… Whisky Bee Cake!

WHISBAKE!

12L43.  L is Ancient Greek for the letter ‘colon’.

12:43 – Richard is apologising to Eveline and Bobby.

He’s totally buggered himself with his talkings, and has set himself up for an impromptu poem.

12:44 – He nailed the poem. And made a joke also. Go him.

Aside: I just discovered a single lady-shoe under the chair this laptop is resting on. I’m almost fairly, completely certain it’s not mine.

12:46 – Something happened with words that didn’t make a lick of sense. “Girls are smelly…. uh… of perfume and roses.”

12:47 –  It’s time for another game!   This one is called… “The Formation Of The Greek Parliament”

It involved everyone waving, and someone shouting “We’re forming a parliament.”

Fairly close to being genius. And, as the director pointed out, everyone won, which I think is the most important thing in life.

12″47 – Wait. What? Oh, that was a sky-colon. Quotation marks are now sky-colons.  Not to be confused with the butt-colon which is totally different and not in the sky. Unless you’re in a plane. Or skydiving. In which case you too have a sky colon.

12:47 – “You smell lovely” – Richard has totally made up for kinda insulting her earlier.

12:49 – The FINAL SCENE of ChildrenS HouR!  Something will happen. At a party. With jelly and ice cream. And MOTHERFUCKING CAKE.

Aside: I am OUT OF CIGARETTES. It’s time to panic! PAAAAAAAANNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIC.

12:51 – Everyone is having a conclusion to their ChilD-FriendlY plotlines. So. This shit be over.

12:53 –  Grandma caught the bouquet. “Just shows you’re never too old to get married”  –  that’s a fairly arbitrary statement, because you’re never too old to do a lot of things, like come down with rickets, lose an eye in a knife fight, or die of syphilis from too much sex with ducks.

Y’know, just saying.

12:55 – a disco-based dance again. MUSICAL NUMBER. There’s a ‘tiger in the disco’. And now everyone’s doing tiger poses.

Rapey-Ballsey-Hepatitis-laced-oozing-buttholes, it’s almost 1pm and soon it’ll be Episode number… something!!!

Be here. Fuck yeah!

  • Episode 13 – Sunday, 1pm

13:10 – This blog is now over 17000 words long. Let’s all congratulate me for not only being dedicated and generally super awesome, but also for doing a word count.

I am all about words. And also counting.

So put those two fuckers together and no doubt I’d be rocking the word count like a chinook pilot on air-leave.

13:21 – This segment is starting a little late, so I’m going to take you back to 2008, to one of my favourite conversations, in which the person I was talking to tried to convince me that scientifically, birds aren’t animals.

They were correct, obviously, because under the Royal Society’s Flytation Explanation Rationalisation of 1973, any wing-ed creature is officially the descendent of a dragon.

13:25 – I’ve been liveblogging for over 24 hours. That’s got to be a record. A boring record, with no explosions or injuries whatsoever. But a record none the less.

13:30 – And we’re *actually back*

Catching up the entire show. I’m going to skip to the best bits….

“What’s 93, a qualified private detective, and contains a baby? It’s Winifred Woolfe!”

“Some people say I’ve used this hotel for the fruit of my loins” – Jedebedediah Stringbean

13:42 – Um. I think Father Hanson (mmmbop) may have been ‘Father Handsome’ all this time. But fuckit, I’m going to continue spelling it my way. I’m also going to google for other Hanson songs.

13:43 – 30 seconds of googling reveals that the only Hanson singles that are not Mmmbopp are “If only” and “Thinking of You” – neither of which are quite as memorable as the former.

13:45 – Virginia Woolfe is now being misspoken as “Ginger Woolfe”. Which is, y’know, close, but no cigar.

*Sniff* I’ve run out of cigarettes. *Sniff*

13:48 – Turns out The Great Mercutio was actually Jizzie Mandlebrot.

Um. How did nobody notice? I mean, they looked identical. They can’t tell ‘identical twins’ who look nothing alike apart, but two guys who are THE SAME GUY can’t be identified as one guy just wearing a different hat?

And also: Why?

13:49 – “Research” was the given answer. Because he now knows the identity of Captain Nemo.

So. Yeah.

Plot. Totally.

13:50 – Richard Famous is now being played in by the Indiana Jones theme tune.

Awesome.

13:52 – Fibonacci and Honey are *actually* married it seems. It wasn’t an alternaverse ChildrenS HouR happening. It was real.

13:53 – And now, the Countdown theme for the boring, mumbly maths guy. Well done ‘the band’.

13:54 – Cleo Lane is dressed as a Grecian, and is now being declared “The Wife Of Zeus”

13:55 – Ivana is *still* dressed as a tiger. Tigers LOVE grapes. Lesson learned.

13:57 – I completely misread the time as ’13:52′ and thought I had traveled back in time.  But I didn’t and I haven’t.  I mean… I did and I haven’t.

Correct. Yes.

14:02 – Uh. I think I walked in on a major catch-up of THE ENTIRE SHOW. I went out to brush my teeth, assuming they’d still be introducing characters and prattling on.

But they didn’t. And now you don’t get a recap.

14:04 – The Woolfes are doing something. Talking, that’s what you call it.

Iowna is being made to decide ‘what is going to happen about the wedding’.  Um. Was the wedding in jeopardy?

14:06 –  I looked back on the last episode. He said his dead best friend (who is also a lady who he almost-or-did-fuck)’s name at the rehearsal thing, instead of Iownas.

I totally know what’s going on.

14:08 – Hanson (Mmmbop) goes to see Jazz Harlot Cleo Lane for advice.

Except she has come to him. Where there are carvings of him EVERYWHERE. Apart from Jesus – he’s not been priest-carved. Yet.

Probably for the best, what with the blasphemy and all.

14:11 – Musical number.  A kinda Eric Idle vibe going on.

The song’s now about Jesus. Forgiving.

The result/decision of the song is apparently: “So, all I need to do is get actual Jesus unto the physical plain of earth to forgive me”

14:13 – The Mandlebrots are planning. A three-step plan to put the wedding back together. I think.

14:17 – Burt is confused as fuck, and it’s hilarious. If any of it made sense then I would repeat it. But it didn’t.

Now everyone in the scene is maybe American. And nobody can pronounce Fibonacci. There are extra vowels all over the place.

Vowels are some of my five favourite letters. In fact. They are five of my favourite letters.

I’ve got 29 favourite letters altogether. Some of them are repeated because I love them THAT MUCH.

14:19 – Eveline, Bobby and Richard are in bed together. Richard is telling stories about how great he is.

I think he just implied he put a fish up his ass.

14:20 – Now he’s just naming fruit.

“Frankly, we find you tiresome, boring, a a bit too tall.”

I feel the same way about giants. By which I mean anyone over 5’11. High-shelf-reaching fuckers.

14:23 – Everything is looking all wibbly now. Focusing is not an option any more. I’m just going to wing it and hope for the best.

Richard, the explorer, has now been offered a job in Butlins, rather than end world hunger and/or be in love.

14:25 – Bejadebedejapadiah is in… um… Cleo’s bedroom?

I think he’s seeking advice.

I feel a song coming on.

From the cast. Not me.

I’m coughing all over the fucking place, singing would be a terrible fucking idea.  This is what happens if I don’t get to smoke CONSTANTLY.

Oh. The song started.

14:25 – It’s not so much a song as a vaguely rhythmical conversation than only one party is indulging in.

Which is kinda like a song.

I think it’s turning into I Will Survive….

14:27 – It’s totally I Will Survive.

And now Bobby’s very possibly going to have to slay the dragon. Which means that my initial ramble/filler at the start of the episode was TOTALLY RELEVANT.

14:28 – We’re in the 150% Scale Model Village  (which is 50% bigger than the actual village – genius call, by the way) where Stanley is confessing his love to Silky.

This has never been mentioned before. But she’s as confused as I am, so I guess we’re all in the same boat. Or. Theatre.

Beatre?

Wait. It’s in no way a boat.

Well. Metaphorically it’s a boat.

And now Silky and Stanley  are in love. And he’s less mental now. Maybe.

14:30 – We’re back in Tesco.

Stupid Name Maths Guy is doing the same scene from like, 6000 scenes earlier, but with different celebrity oracles.

Maths Guy is just saying numbers. He’s not initiating conversation with anyone.

More numbers.

“Fibonacci is the man I need. I need to transform him.”

Which… totally makes sense.

Fibonacci’s arrived. Maybe he’s got a pocket full of plot.

14:32 – Ok. The guy’s fucking whispering. And not stage whispering. I’m going to cut a bitch if he doesn’t speak up.

Ok, recap:

Maths made Fibonacci crazy – but his new wife set him straight – now he knows that 1+1=love. Which is, like, totally maths.

14:33 – Damn. Maths guy got Fibonacci re-addicted to maths.

But he’s not going for it. Good on him. Kick that whispery no-plot shit to the curb.

14:34 – Girly twins night in before the wedding. Hopefully with some kissing.

Iowna is lying on the floor. Ivana is in the bed.

“Come up here and let me give you some lovin'”.

Yeah. That’s where this is heading.

14:35 – Damn. Burt is at the door. Interrupting the almost-lezzing-out. Iowna’s now hiding. Ivana’s pretending to be her.

I’ve completely lost control of tenses now. We are both in the present and the past and the future. Deal with it.

14:37 – “The mirror is cracked, but it’s less like a mirror and more like a motorbike anyway.” Yeah. Of course.

14:38 – Iowna is eavesdropping while Ivana confesses she killed Mary-May. And now she’s talking about herself and her vulnerabilities. In both the first and third person. And also talking about Iowna in the first and third person.

Iowna is now hiding in the bed. Ivana sneaked out and now Iowna is in front of Burt. This is really hard to describe because it needs like, words that I have in no way typed up previous to now, and I cannot currently remember what happened just moments ago. Also: new scene.

14:42 – Eveline and Bobby are lying on the bed, talking about things.

“I love how eloquent you are, listening to you is like listening to a symphony made of a dictionary.”

And. Did anything else happen? Did I miss something?

14:44 – Did I just hear a lick from Mario?

14:45 – EXCITING CLIFFHANGER ENDING (probably)

Four sailors in the SUBMARINE. Capain Nemo is  the guy with the red mask-thing who killed Fibonacci’s family.

They’re talking about what their plan was.

And now Jizzie appears!

Henchmen attack!

Violence happens!

A ‘Seaman Slap’!

An Evil Claw!

Other things!

Uh. Was Nemo just foiled? Did Jizzie Survive?  I have no idea.

That’s a motherfucking cliffhanger, bitches! Or… A confuse-hanger. Yeah. That.

Next: Episode Four-thousand-six-hundred-and-hypheny-four!


  • Episode 14 – Sunday, 3pm 

15:00 – Fuck. Yes.

That wasn’t show-related. I just got a new camera.

AWESOMES for me. Entirely incidental an uninteresting for you.

But that’s life; a series of exciting adventures for globetrotting, muti-award-winning filmfuckers, and desk jobs and rent worries for everyone else.

We call you ‘normals’. And sometimes ‘those poor fuckers’. And occasionally ‘hahahahahahaha’.

15:15 – And we’re back to the show, which is what you’re *actually* here to read about. Yeah. Woo.

15:18 – “I am a man in my sexual prime – and I like to tell everybody that.”

15:26 – It’s just occurred to the director that while we know that Grandma is a detective, Big Richard’s job is entirely unknown to us.

Now I think about it, he also seems to have forgotten his love for Jesus.

15:27 – Hotel DJ “The Pope” is back after missing pretty much the entire show. But she’s have a plot. Or had a plot. Yeah. Fo’ sho’.

15:31 – A FLURRIED SPUNKTACULAR TORRENT OF THREE-LINE-SCENES IN WHICH ALL KINDS OF THINGS HAPPEN!

15:34 – Well. Very little happened of relation to the plot – so you miss nothing by me not transcribing them.

15:37 – Back to the CLIFFHANGER. Uh. It seems Jizzie has already escaped. More running aorund the ENTIRE VENUE, as Jizzie and Richard try to find one another and team up for… some reason.

Aside: Captain Nemo sounds like Dr. Claw.

15:39 – Richard is a secret agent now apparently. And he’s going to train Jizzie.

(Cue James Bond theme, it seems)

15:40 – TRAINING MONTAGE. As… Uh.. Jizzie learns how to climb up a slight slope?

15:41 – And now… a slightly steeper slope…?

15:42 – “Do you mean Iowna or Ivana?” / “The bridey one”

15:43 – The married couple-to-be are riding a donkey. And doing tricks on the donkey.

“Hold on with your thighs.” / “I’m riding side-saddle” / “Well… hold on to me.”

And now they’re traveling at speeds.

They’ve stopped. And are skimming stones. And hitting people with stones. I don’t know if that was intentional.

Both of them are looking forward to the wedding. Which is probably good, seeing as it’s their wedding.

15:44 – The possibility of Burt performing the post-wedding bike jump and dying tragically has been raised.

Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t been mentioned before.

15:46 – And now both of them are scatting. English is optional for this scene.

The bride is down! The bride is down and laughing uncontrollably.

15:48 – She’s up! The Scene is over! Woo!

14:49 – Cleo is going into Jeblebeedlebebeeboobadooboo’s room. With strawberries and cream. You could cut the sexual tension with a chainsaw. It’s that fucking thick.

And now Cleo’s covered in cream. I’m not sure if this is an analogy, or if she’s *actually* covered in cream.

It’s a MUSICAL NUMBER. A sexual one. With gallons of innuendo. And fucking.

15:51 – Fibonacci and Honey are in their room. Fibonacci is playing with the phone. He’s … counting numbers on the phone…? Maybe?

He’s dropped the phone. I’m not sure if he meant to do that.

15:53 – Fibonacci’s been distracted from love by numbers.

But then again, Honey might be abusing him mentally and physically. Or at least she was in the hot 30.

Now she seems to be supportive.

15:54 – Fibonacci lost something. I’m not sure what because I was talking. It might have been important.

Honey is going to spell Fibonacci’s face to make everything better.

That’s a callback to episode one. Which I don’t think was transcribed. So it makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE to you. But it does to everyone here, and they are all laughing.

15:55 – Fibonacci may or may not have his entire memory back now.  I don’t think his amnesia’s been mentioned for a while. In fact, I forgot about it.

So. Uh.

15:57 – Honey is apparently pregnant with triplets.

“Three of them. Is that pi or something?”she says.

Fibonacci doesn’t seem to care about maths so much any more.

15:58 – Silky and Stanley went to the oversized model village, but the scene literally ended seconds after it started, so I have no idea what happened.

15:58 – They’ve gone to the parish – which is an entirely different set. He now only has one carved effigy of himself. Which was carved by Stanley.

“I don’t carve faces anymore, father” / “Father?!?!” / “You’re a priest…” / “Oh, yes. I forgot.”

16:00 – REPLACEMENT JESUSESESESESES!

Priesty priestington asked Stan if he wants his daughter’s hand in marriage – seems Stan hadn’t even asked her yet… But now he has.

In the most intricate and fucking retarded way possible.

16:02 – I just realised Priesty Priestington is leaning on a Replacement Jesus, and Replacement Jesus has his arm around him.

Silky has said yes. Stan doesn’t have a ring… so he’s put her finger in her own buttonhole.

Replacement Jesus applauded the engagement. He gonna get a beating for un-Jesusing.

16:04 – Priestington preisteedooodle is going to give them a discount on the service to show his approval.

What a lovely man.

16:05 – I missed the call. Something about a short bridesmaid.

16:06 – They’re a bridesmaid short. That’s what they said.

And The Pope’s arrived. She’s not a DJ now, she *actually* thinks she’s the pope. Also, it seems she’s going to be a bridesmaid now.

16:08 – Eveline and Bobby may not have left their room for days. They’ve constructed an intricate system of gadgets and stuffs so they never have to leave their bed. There was probably a call that explains this all, but I got distracted.

16:09 – And now they’re slaughtering a pig. On either bed. Because they wanted some bacon.

See – it’s a slippery slope. First it’s a bit of bacon, then it’s sleeping in porcine blood. It goes downhill fucking quickly.

You have been warned, pigeaters.

16:10 – This is a genius scene, with lots of visual gags that I won’t even begin to try to explain.

And the army’s arrived. A logical end to a logical scene.

16:11 – Jizzie Rascal (apparently) encounters Ivona in a place.

She’s talking to herself.

If I heard the call again, it’d totally make sense.

16:12 – Jizzie seems to think she’s a fairy. Was this in the call? What did I fucking miss?

How have these two characters not fucking met? She’s the brides IDENTICAL FUCKING TWIN? Has this never been brought up before?

1^:14 – which is ancient Celtic for “16:14”

16:14 – Richard’s turned up. And so has a rambler ( a callback to God knows how many hours ago, which I may or may not have mentioned). Ivana’s confonting Richard. And also confronting him,

Now Richard and the Rambler are being made to sit together.

And Jizzie is being made to kick Richard in the face. For love.

We’ve all been there. Obviously.

16:17 – Oh, I got a joke from like, five minutes ago. Ivana said she was “raised by wolves”, and her surname is ‘woolfe’. so. Now it all makes sense.

FUCKITTYSHITBALLS! The rambler sacrificed himself and got kicked in the face instead of Richard.

And now Ivana’s kicking the shit out of Richard.

…. and now Jizzie and Ivana are walking backwards. In opposite directions. I’m not sure why.

16:19 – More kicking Richard.

WoopWoop.

16:20 – A FUCKTASTIC BALLLICKINGLY GOOD COLLECTION OF ONE-MINUTE SCENES.

Visual gags. Callbacks. Chris Walken. Supershort Musical Numbers, Catchups of the plot thusfar. Hilarity and wonderment. All Way over your not-being-here heads. Plus, I can’t see or type propergood at the moment, and I’ll get one scene down ant TOTALLY FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE EVER.

Anyway, this sucks for you. Y’best get down for the last three segments at 5, 7 and 9pm at The Kazimier.

16:25 – Burt just knocked out his eventually-to-be-father-in-hyphenate.

16:26 – Jizzie still seems to think Ivana is an elf. She’s going with it.

Now he seems to know elves aren’t real.

And she apparently got his number from his family and called him to meet up.

So. That made no sense.

16:28 – Grandma meets the pope.

OH FUCK. Turns out The Pope is the chick who beat Honey Moon for the 2010 Bridesmade Of The Year award thingading.

16:29 – Eveline and Fibonacci meet for the first time – she’s wanted to meet him for a long time.

She seems to know more than he does.

By which I mean he knows NOTHING about why she wants to meet him.

16:30 – The director officially cannot talk or speak at all.  With three episodes left this will  be fucking spectacularly… um… spectacular.

16:31 – Iowna meets Stanley. He’s not a mental anymore, and does not carve neither. Turns out she loved his carvings. And has convinced him to go carve again.

So. His whole character arc may be just about to bounce right back to square one… but with him being engaged.

Yeah.

16:32 – SEROMN. And also a SERMON in which we establish that EVERYONE IS FUCKING CONFUSED, but it’s also CAT-EXPLODINGLY-BUTTERFLY-TICKLINGLY FUNNY

16:33 – Dr. Sean Connery and Dr. Jodie Foster are giving a sononononogram to Grandma.  It’s a Sonogran.

Yes. Pun motherfucker. I am all about words.

Meanwhile, the scene:

“You’re going to have a boy named Tallulah”

Big Richard was just referred to as ‘a bull of a man’, and then fell over onto the bed unintentionally.

Sleep deprivation is Awesometactular.

16:37 – GRANNY MUSICAL NUMBER.

A big, broadway musican number. With dancing. And singing. As you’d expect.

16:38 – Big Richard just proposed to Grandma! Woooooooo!

We have, like, sixhundred weddings going on

“It’s a weddingapalooza!”

Exactly.

16:39 – I think we might actually have a wedding at some point soon. Like, the actual wedding, not an incidental/accidental wedding.

16:41 – Aside: There is no way in motherfucking hell that I can fit the entire cast, who are now on two levels, into my shot. But you don’t care. So fuck you with a brick made of lazers.

16:42 – WEDDING CEREMONY. FINALLY.

Oh dear…. we’re up to the “is there any reason why these two can’t be wed” bit.

…….

……….

Nobody? Nothing?

Awesome. This might actually happen.

16:43 – This is fucking hilarious and I can’t even begin to try to describe it.

16:44 – They’ve done the “I Do’s” like twenty times.

And now it’s time for the vows…. which will take the form of power ballards.

16:46 – Iowna’s song was Fucking. Awesome. Like, an actually good song. Well done tired mofos.

16:47 – Now it’s Burt’s turn…

16:49 – Burt’s was great too – Hell yes!

Now it’s time for the rings to be exchanged….

….

…….

………..

The rings to be exchanged….

….

…….

……….

Any second now…..

….

Ok. There they are…  And now we’re doing the “I Do’s” again. but with rings now.

16:50 -Motherfucking WEDDING.

Only 60 more wedding to go!

Yay!

  • Episode 15 – Sunday, 5pm

Ok. So. There are over 100 of you unique (as in IP-unique. You’re all identical and entirely un-unique in just reading and not real-world-existing) motherfuckers and you are NOT FUCKING HERE. And it’s the antepenultimate aepisode! And also episode!

So change that. You’ve got two episodes left – 7pm and the 9pm Grand-Spunking-Finale. Be here for one if not both of those for the best, mentalist, most greatgoodest show you will see all of fucking ever. Until next year, where we do this for 2012 bastard minutes.

17:10 – Doughnut o’clock.I have a doughnut and you DO NOT. You know why? Because you are not AT THE FELCHING SHOW.

That’ll learn you. Yeah.

17:22 – Time for a DANCEBREAK.  You can dance at home while you read this. Just bounce along to the rhythms in your head.

17:26 – All the characters are blurring together for EVERYONE. And the hotel is now being called the Gold Rush Inn.

“What happens when all the secrets jump out of the box and start attacking one another?”

17:28 – Paul Foxcroft has lost all reading ability. And we still have like, 5 hours left.

17:30 – Fibonacci is either acting as mentally ill… or is *actually* broken.

Stewart is mental also. Silky may not have noticed:

“I spent so long being a crazy fucker who carved shit.” / “Now we’re crazy in love” / “Like Beyonce.” / “… Uh… Exactly.”

17:32 – Jizzy is now a… Performance poet?  did that happen AT ALL in the show?

Have I missed an ep? Have they missed an ep? What the fuckingfuckingfuck is going on?

17:34 – Cleo is now from The Midlands. Uhh. Right…

17:35 – …. Uuuuuh…. Richard was a performance poet too? And Jizzy stole his title?

Has anyone in this shot NOT won a title every year but one year?

17:38 – I missed some things just now, because I got distracted on Twitter. Stupid Twitter.

17:41 – MORE three-line-scenes.

Father Hanson (Mmmbop) is now being known as “Father Priest”.

17:44 – It’s just been realised that Iowna Woolf’s name is now Iowna Woolfe-Dike.

Like, a lesbian wolf. Yeah. Comedy.

That’s what this shit is about.

17:46 – Fucksticks! Eveline and Bobby may be broken up!

17:47 – CALLBACK to episode… past-happening.

The Dominos Pizza guy that was prank called years earlier finally turns up with 25+ pizzas.  During the wedding reception.

17:50 – So. Rather than use mime-pizzas, the cast decided to use cymbals. That may or may not have been damaged by being acted at with too much panache.

17:51 – All the wedding guests are meeting the bride and groom. After the wedding. Where they would have probably already met maybe. And, y’know, in the week before where they stayed at the hotel together. But whatever.

17:52 – Father Priest has given the bride and groom a scorpion baby.

Wait, no, it’s Eucharist. Which is also a drug that makes you see angels weep. I think.

Jizzie’s given them a map to pirate’s buried treasure. Because that’s a great thing for a people who do a stuff.

Jebedebadiah is now being referred to as “Mister Beebaleebum” by Iowna.

“Some rich guy bought you a car. I only brought the first half in.”   ….. Uh… Yes.

17:56 – Eveline Carnate and Bobby Davro are now apparently “Eveline Waugh and Tom Bobby”.

They’re arguing about him killing a dog… even though they slaughtered a pig just last episode.

17:59 – MUSICAL NUMBER!  “I had the ring and everything”

(Aside – We’re over 21,000 words of blog. This is now a novella, on its way to becoming a fucking novel. And maybe some of it almost makes sense maybe.)

18:00 – JIZZSPUNKINGCOCKHOLE! Bobby’s pulled a gun on Eveline!

Now he’s given the gun to HER! What. The. Mother. Fuck.

All of this is set to music and totally works.

She’s putting it to get head….

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!?!

18:02 – Fibonacci is accusing Honey of being a liar. About… taking the pill? Or something?  I wasn’t listening because people that aren’t there  and don’t exist are walking in my periphery and I keep looking at them.

18:04 – Fabidabidoozi is forcing BeeJuice to have an abortion. And to do two other things. I don’t remember what, even though they were just said.

She has conditions for the abortion too…

… The conditions seem to be that they fuck.

18:05 – Big Richard and Grandma are playing Narnia Monopoly.

I don’t think Big Richard has any concept of Narnia.

This is now turning into a Narnia roleplay.

Big Richard seems to think that the fawn’s name is “Mister Thomas”.

18:07 – I just realised there’s no board on the table. There was totally a board on the table before. Wasn’t there?

18:08 – Fuckballs. I’ve caught the mental.

And now the floors revolving.

In the scene. Not in my head.

Ok, a little in my head.  But mostly in the scene.

18:09 – Father Priest goes to the top of Jesus Hill, only to meet an infinite amount of Jesuses.

He must choose the real Jesus.

It’s like Last Crusade. But with a fuckton of … spinning Jesuses.

HE’S CHOSEN!!!

HE WAS RIGHT!

It’s Welsh Jesus!

And now THE POPE IS HERE!

And The Pope’s told Jesus to leave because it’s “ruining her story”.

Does she have a story.

Jesus has labeled Hanson a prophet.

Father Hanson. Not the band Hanson. That would just be weird.

18:12 – GOD IS HERE! And he’s singing TALKING HEADS.

(Talking Heads are God’s favourite band)

18:13 – Father Priest is being given precognitive abilities, with a slight margin of error. And The Pope has all the powers of The Vatican.

18:14 – Jesus has to go to Cancun with God to hang out for Spring Break.

18:15 – Father Priest is now The Pope’s sidekick, God-Boy. He has the time-forward-seeing-that-might-be-wrong. And also ‘The God-Finger’. But The Pope has God-Finger-Veto powers.

18:16 – So. The Pope can decide… who Father Priest…. fingers…

18:17 – Ivana and Jizzie go to the best 7 places that exist.
> The Free Diamond Store
>The Free Lottery Results Lady Stand
>The Shop That Gives Free Cake Of Any Flavour You Want
>EuroDisney
>Jurrassic Park (because that didn’t end badly AT ALL)
>The Hanging Gardens Of Babylon 5
>Fountain of Youth And Spiritual Enlightenment

Wow. This scene is winding up with a really beautiful, cryptic talkering by Jizzie.

Oh, wait, he just meant he wanted to put babies inside her.  Not so beautiful after all. Just horny.

Ivana is American again. There are no Americans in the scene. She has no excuse whatsoever.

18:23 – “Take the roofie apple”

Uh. Jizzie is giving her a date rape apple… because he doesn’t want to rape her any more.

She…. gave him herpes.

18:24 – “A really long scene that’s very clever happens.”

Wait. I misheard.

18:24 – “A minute-long scene that’s really clever happens”

Uh. Everyone’s fighting.

“God-Finger strikes again – I now have one of your eternal organs, but you don’t know which!”

18:25 – Is God Boy just fighting people for no reason?

18:26 – “Richard Jordan – wait, no, that was a producer I used to work with…. ”

OK. So. now we know more things that make sense for this scene to happen.

By the end of this scene we’ll know why Jebedeebedeedeehoopdeedoo has “Stiff” written on the back of his trousers.

This has been mentioned before…. Is this an *actual* thing, or is it a joke I don’t get, because I think it’s pretty much been talked about since ep 1….

18:29 – “Press the fruit into me, it will be absorbed into my body”.

I have no idea what’s happening in this scene any more.

And my periphery is totally fucking with me.

As is my frontiphery. Everything is whibly and moving and not English. There are worms crawling under the LCD.

This is entirely not-happening, and there’s a show going on, so I’m going to get back to talking about that.

Ok, so. The scene – Fruit was just anally inserted.

I… What…? Is fruit making Cleo psychic?  Did I mention Cleo was in the scene?

Is Cleo now Scottish?

Message from the grave from Jegraheblapladiah’s father, Stiff Steve.

Hence ‘Stiff’ on his pants. Apparently.

And now there are lots of Jebadebalebapebadiah’s father’s ghosts.

They want to know why he ran from America.

I thought he was sent away.

Uh.

Ok, he says it’s because he didn’t eat his greens.

So.

Right.

18:33 – Wilf and Virginia are in different rooms, reciting  their wedding speeching simultaneously.

Speeching?

Sseepches

Speaches.

Speeches.

Fuckcocker.

Anyway. Turns out they’ve written EXACTLY THE SAME SPEECH.

18:36 – Dear BastardshittingGod, I go to take a leak and come back to a musical number to the tune of Funkytown. Which has now become Funkeytown.

This is much easier to do than all the other songs. Possibly because it’s already been written.

18:39 – Back to Bobby and Eveline

It’s three hours later and she still hasn’t shot herself. Or himself.

The gun’s gone off. What? Fuck?

It’s gone straight through the ceiling. And not through ethier of them.

Bobby’s now shot the cat. Accidentally.

But they’re ok – they’re happy – it’s all all going to be alright.

The cat is kinda squealing. It’s not dead.

He’s putting it out of it’s misery…

…. by stamping on it. A lot.

18:41 – Stanley and Silky are in a restaurant. Yes.

All the waiters died. I don’t know why.

Silky is insisting she gets to be subservient. I think that’s an oxymoron.

The table just fell over. Or was kicked over. My screen’s in the way, so I’m losing everything below the waist of the actors that are seated.

And the table was  below their waist.  Obviously.

Father Priest says their future is either going to be really good or really bad. That’s some pretty vague precognition.

18:46 – Another fucking funny visual gag that YOU FUCKING MISSED BY NOT BEING HERE.

18:47 – A phone just went off.

“I’m at the Improvathon! It’s rubbish!” was  shouted.

The lights have gone up to find the culprit.

Seems it was one of the cast

“Shall we do a scene?” asks Rosie.

The decision is apparently Yes.

18:49 – I missed the call again.

Ok, I think I get it – Richard … Manface is in hospital, recuperatting. And Ivana is there. Ivana, who kicked him do being-injurred in the previous ep.

She’s dressed as a tiger. And is going to rape his paralysed body.

Our penultimate episode, which is like, episode  is starting at 7pm – so don’t fucking miss the mental shenanigans, as I lose all power to type, let alone read and it’s going to be fucking hilarious.

  • Episode 16 – Sunday, 7pm

It’s the penultimate episode, which I’m entitling ‘Episode Twelve-Billion-Six-Hyphens-And-Fourty-Twelve-Squared’ is about to begin.  We have 3.5 hours left of our 33.5 hour-long show, and everyone is BALL-LICKINGLY INSANE.

Examples:
The director can’t read, let alone talk. The cast just about know their own storylines, but are having trouble remember everyone else’s, and I’m watching from high in the sky, noting this shit down, and have NO PTERODACTYL MOLESTING IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING ANYWHERE. Also, I’m beginning to hallucinate to fuck and can’t read the screen realpropergood. So grammar and spelling are out the window, in favour of .. the opposite of all those things.

So. Let’s get this motherspunking show on the road. Or. On the theater. Whatever.

19:05 – This blog is over 22,000 words long. I get the impression that 5-10% of that is mostly expletives.

19:15 – I just fell off my chair. But nobody saw. So I totally got away with it.  I’m awesome.

19:17 – I’ve been offered a challenge for this episode… to keep my eyes half-squinted for the entire duration.  This is not quite as much of an endurance test as standing on one leg for an entire episode. So, I have declined. Might stand on the other leg for all of this episode. Or do a handstand. I haven’t decided yet.

19:20 – I’m doing none of those things. If I can’t sit on a chair without falling off, how am I going to survive a handstand. Or a headstand. In fact, standing up for prolonged periods is fairly challenging.

Shit, ok. The show’s back and things are happening.

19:22 – Fuck. I just forgot where fingers go on a keyboard. Fixed that now.

I am so on this.

Apart from not watching the show. I should do that.

AS SHOULD YOU.

19:23. I just noticed there’s a mirror directly opposite me on the other balcony.

I didn’t realise straight way. At first I thought it was a mirror, then waved at myself and  I waved back. Simultaneously, obviously.

19:29 – Six minutes just disappeared.  I think I was just staring into space at the dancing lines.

Damn do they dance good.

19:30 – Big Richard Jackson may not know the difference between Star Wars and Narnia. He also thinks the lion’s name is ‘Azlarrrgh’.

And now The Pope wants to win Bridesmaid Of The Year 2011. And asked God to help her. But he can’t.

19:32 – I’m going to go do a dance. If something important happens, I’ll totally be back to do that.

19:38 – Dance over. Plot happening.

All the cast are in the reception. Again (?) Mingling. There’s going to be a best man speech in this scene, I think.

People are literally mingling. The plot is being recapped. You already know this shit.

19:39 – Big Richard is the best man. Now he’s got a loudhailer. I want a loudhailer now.

The best man speech may or may not have made any sense.

“Absomote” is one of the words that was used. He also referred to the bride, the now-wife, as the ‘bride to be’. So he has no concept of time. And that basically sums the speech up.

Big Richard has something to tell Burt and his brothers that he’s never told before.

……

………

WHAT. THE. COCKCHUGGING CHRIST?

He’s their father.

…..

Wait, didn’t their father get killed by a ‘killer beat’?  And who’s the mother? And does it matter.

Jedittybreadittybo asked about the groom and bride’s first dance.

That’s now happening.

Don’t even think about expecting me to describe a dance.  Repeating ‘left, right, left, left, jump, twirl, twirl, throw, left, right’ would just suck for you, me, and any future generations we might expunge from our sexrogans.

Sexrogans. Which are, as I’m sure you’re aware, genitals belonging to Seth Rogan.

19:46 – Fobibobibanacheee and Beejuicey are in councelling with… someone who’s head is behind my monitor… one minute.

19:47 – It’s Calo. Caro? Carla?? Whatever the dude in a dress that sings jazz-counseling songs is called now.

S/he’s singing. About… numbers?

19:49 – He name’s ‘Cleo’. It was mentioned in the song. That makes life easier.

19:50 – And now everyone’s singing. “People and numbers go together”

And now they’ve stopped.

19:51 – Jizzie is going to learn about  things from his father/uncle, Big Richard.

They’re training for… the big improv performace poetry slam and only one of them will come out alive.

One of either Jizzie Famous or Richard Famous.

Wait. What? Jizzie Mandlebrot of Richard Famous.

One of them will be dead after this scene.

19:53 – and the thing of rhyming battle performance stuff happening is ON.

I think it might be a hiphop battle now.

19:54 – Yes it is.

(falling over again)

19:55 – COCKFUCK!  Famous took the rhyming to a slope. And Jizzie’s slope-training was incomplete!

And now he’s FUCKING DEAD!

AS A DEAD FUCKING DEAD FUCKERYDEADERYFUCK THING.

19:57 – “It’s mother’s dead at the woolf house” / “Mothers Day” / “It’s mother’s day at the woolf house. And all the family members spray her with praise.”

19:59 – And the twins have got her a present…

…..

…… It’s a ring. That says ‘Mommy”.

Is that a plot point?  Probably not.

….

Is this scene important at all?

Well. For a moment, granny thought that Virginia was her mother. But she doesn’t any more.

And now EVERYONE is the Woolfe family is pregnant. Apart from Wilf. Who has no man-womb.

20:02 – Stanley has carved a church out of a slightly larger church.

And out of each piece of furniture he’s carved a different piece of furniture .

The pews are now tables. The tables are now pews.

The crucifix is now a crew-see-fix, and also a bird-see-fix. With a little bird-Christ on it.

20:05 – Wilf goes to see Jebedebedebedebedebezebedeediah to play their favourite card game “Dragon Rollercoaster”

I was talking and completely missed whatever just happened.

I think Wolf… Wilf… whatever feels inadequate in his family of womens. At this point, with 2ish hours left, it seems like it’s a little late to add entirely new strands of plot, whern there’s still an BOND VILLAIN who lives in a FUCKING SUBMARINE that had A LAKE BUILT AROUND IT and then A GULAG AROUND THAT and then A MAZE AROUND THAT and then THE HOTEL POSITIONED ADJACENT TO ALL OF THAT.

But whatever this scene is about is totally as important as pre-established plot.

Then again, I don’t know what this scene is about. So. Yes.

20:12 – Jebedeedebedeeteddybear possibly just advised Wilf to kill his wife.

Wait. No. *Metaphorically* kill his wife. With words.

20:14 – It’s midnight in the Garden Of Dramatic Exposition. My hands are now red – but that may just be a reflection from something else that’s red – and now Eveline and Bobby are meeting to move their relationship to the next level.

What’s the next level after animal-murder?

And why are my hands red all of a sudden?

And what is happening in this scene?  It seem like they’re all happy and in love.

Yes, they are – THEY’VE ONLY GONE AND GOT HOBO-MURDERINGLY ENGAGED!

20:17 – OK, so, uh.  THe bridesmaid competition of 2010 thing is being revealed – how Honey and The Pope battles it out.

And this scene will also maybe explain how The Pope got elected Pope.

It’s the flower-holding competition first – Honey’s fallen over – That loses her points.

Now it’s the bouquet-throwing competition – Honey couldn’t throw the flowers at all.  She failed again.

HOLY CHEATCOCKERINGFUCKNUTS – The Pope is using GodFinger to make Honey fail.

And also to make her do experimental dance.

Albert Einstein has judged the competition (as he did a fair few eps back) and declared Honey the loser, and the other chick both Bridesmaid of the year, and also Pope.

20:21 – As in the initial wedding plans from episode one, Barak Obama is doing a live video transmission to apologze for not being at the redding weception.

Wait. that plan was killed. Now he’s there. and our choice of actor was (kinda) culturally sensative.

The speech he’s giving is fairly sporadic and non-sequitous.

And apparently everyone is invited to The White House now.

Or. The now that happens after the next speech by Wilf Woolfe. Which is going to be BETTER than Obama’s speech, as also declared in episode 1.

Barak Obama has been shot during the speech.

And now everyone’s bored of him being dead and we’re back to the speech.

20:27 – Burt’s  leaving during the speech to set up his bike for the big stunt he’s going to perform.

It’s apparently impossible and requires anti-gravity – but he’s totally maybe going to pull it off probably.

Fuck. THe bike burst into flames in the air.

The pyrotechnics were FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

And you missed it. Boo to you.

20:30 – After an entire 30-some hours of both the show and me fucking making the goddamn joke, Father Hanson is finally going to sing his most famous hymn…

IT’S ONLY MOTHER-FUCKING MMMBOP!!!

And let’s just make a mention that the band playing this rendition of Mmmbop are THE SPECTASTIC AWESOMERIFFIC  GODDAMN DOGSHOW!

They LOVE the Hanson.

20:34 – I think that I just heard that Richard Famous is having nightmares that his house is turning into a boat and getting lost at sea.  But I might have imagined that.

He’s most definitely  regretting killing Jizzie Rascal. That’s fo’ sho’.

Ok. Maybe he’s going to dream about getting lost at sea in his bed.  Or maybe not.

Ivana’s there. Or maybe she’s a dream. Or maybe not.

She’s just laughing manically now. And now she’s been ordered to laugh manically in the middle of EVERY SENTENCE.

“You’ve been mean to Jizzie” / “I killed him, I think rape might be a bit of an understatement” / “I was trying to lighten the mood”

20:38 – She’s going to rape him again.

First she’s taken his eyes. Or. His glasses. He’s essentially blind up to about 12 foot.

And now everyone’s singing the national anthem. Dogshow was meant to play it, but the internet got there first.

20:40 – It’s RAPE O’CLOCK!

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have all just sung the national anthem during a rape”

20:43 – Back to the bike jump….

….

…….

…………

Is he dead? Is he?

IS HE?

IIIIISSSSSS HHHHHEEEEEE?????????

……

Oh, it’s fine. he’s over there. And not dead. Or maybe he’s posessed by the devil.

No. He’s not. Possessed that is.

BUT HE’S FUCKING PARALYZED!!

“What about little Burt?” / “I’ve only met this guy”

They’re going to use the God Finger… A DOUBLE GOD FINGER.  WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?

Can he walk?

CAN HE?

CAAAAANNNNNN HHHEEEEEE?????

Yes. He’s fine.

  • Episode 17 – Sunday, 9pm

It’s the Super-Fucking-Tense-BALL-GRATING  FINAL-DONKEY-PENIS-SKINNING EPISODE of AWESOME-BEEJUICING-IMPROV!!!!!!

21:06 – Oh Fuck. Yes.  We’re going to rock this bitch all the way home.  We have just under 90 minutes left until the END OF THE RABBITPUNCHING SHOW.

Are you excited?

BE FUCKING EXCITED.

21:15 – Re-cigaretted and ready to ROCK OUT the final soiled-anal-bead-sucking episode of SUPER GREAT AWESOME GOODNESSNESS.

21:20 – We have a FULL WHORE-BAGGING HOUSE FOR THE FINAL EPISODE.

So. You’re totally missing out. Feel bad. Feel bad right this piss-gargling moment in time.

Yes. This blog totally brought all these people here. My job here is done.

Or.. will be done… in 70-some minutes.

Indeed.

21:21 – Motherfucking catchup, yo. Of the surviving characters:

>Wilf and Virginia, parents of the bride, were estranged, they’re now happy and having a baby. Another baby. Duh.
>Jebedebebadapiedpiper owns the hotel. He had a fear of vegerables. Now he does not. And he’s ready to return to America. (That’s what we call a character arc.)
>Eveline Carnate and Bobby Davro are happy and now in love and occasionally kill small mammals. They want to take over the hotel
>Father Hanson discovered his illegitimate daughter,  and now he has three weddings to perform.
>Honey and Fibonacci got married in Vegas. She’s pregnant with his three childrens, and he has a whole creepy math obsession that occasionally directs the plot. Also he has a wife and kids  that was murdered. but that may or may not be relevant any more.
>Silky Sheets is like, some kind of anti-femanist, and she’s engaged to creepy carving mofo Steven… Stewart… Stanley? yeah, Stanly.
>Cleo is a jazz singer who has ABSOLUTELY NOT PLOTS TO RESOLVE. So she’s fairly superfluous.  but will be responsible for some musical numbers.
>The Pope is God’s right hand… chick. She’s banging Father Mmmbop.
>Richard Famous is an adventurer and do-er of great things.  He’s also been raped by Ivona a fair bit. He may have liked it. He also killed a guy earlier.
>Ivona Woolfe – rapey tiger and entirely identicaltwin sister of the bride.
>Big Richard was at one point a preacher. Now he’s banging 94-year-old pregnant great great granny Winifred Woolfe. They are in Narnia still. Trying to… beat the snow queen… OK. they just shot hear a fair bit. She be dead. I think they’re out of Narnia now.
“Lastly, but not finally. Wait. Lastly but not leastly”

>Finally: Burt and Iowna Woolfe-Dike. They just got married. He’s a dirt bike racer who was on fire and almost dead, but isn’t. And she’s the twin sister of Ivana. They might or might not be going on honeymoon nowish…

21:39 – The first scene of the final episode….

We’re at “The Manhole”. The local gay bar. Eveline and Bobby are recounting THE ENTIRE PLOT.

21:40 – The plot exposition has been ceased for 5 uninterrupted seconds of one man rimming another man.

And we’re back. But you have just over 22,000 of words that explain EVERYTHING just above this. So I refuse to repeat it.

21:43 – Shitshower, I missed the call.

Someone’s getting married. Uh…

21:44 – It’s Stanley and Silky. It’s a WWE themed wedding.

The Pope is giving Silky away. Silky is still an awful, awful femanist.

They’re MARRIED!

That was really fast and not at all convoluted or fraught with conflict.

GO TEAM IMPROV! Watch us tidy up this shit in… the remaining 45-odd minutes.

21:47 – The Woolfe family are discussing their goals for the future.

>So. The parents are going to have a new ‘cub’.
>Honey and Husband are also having children. Everyone likes him and are installing him in the family.
>Grandma and her guy are also happy and pregnant.
>The twins are grossed out by all the old peoples shagging away.
>Iowna is “freshly married” and is happy her husband is neither dead, nor paralyzed. She’s going to Arizona. No she isn’t. Yes she is. I’m glad that was decided so quickly and eaasily.
>Ivana has experienced self-discovery and is now a tiger, who has carried flowers around for three episodes. She wants to discover why she has had an engagement ring on all this time. And wants to be with the man who she loves… But she won’t reveal who he is. And also wants unconditional support from all the family for everything she’s done thusfar. Which they gave her.

21:55 – ONE MINUTE DANCE BREAK!

21:56 – On the other side of the hotel, the Mandlebrot family are doing a fairly similar scene.

While Gary Neuman scores the scene.

He apparently has to re-learn how to play Cars.

21:57 – He’s got it now.

The family meeting started in a room. And now it’s transitioning to take place inside a car.

Time for a three-way body slam.

Yes. That made TOTAL sense.

21:59 – Jebedeebipadeebopadeeboo talks to Cleo about how he can give the hotel away.

Jebedebabooboo can’t decide between the two families.

Cleo suggests the kids at the orphanage. Jebedybettyboop decides a staff better would be better.

They’re constructing a maybe Willy Wonka style test to pick his successor…

Oh. And this all happened in song. I should have mentioned that way earlier.

22:05 – “Big Richard Jackson and Winifred Woolfe… DO SOMETHING AWESOME.”

…. They seem to have decided that this meant sex. And roleplay.

“Something relevant” she says.

“Doctor and patient” suggests he.

This is going to take a downward spiral.  Especially now that they’re comparing it to the board game Operation.

A touching moment. They admit their love.

She’s going to play dead and hea’s leaving to get into his george cloony costume.

….

……

Oh.

…..

Oh fuck no.

She’s just had a fucking heart attack.

He’s back.

And he’s about to make fuck at her.

….

and she’s dead…

….

…….

He’s resucitating her now..

….

And has a scalpal…

But she’s not moving when he… cuts her open…

….

…….

And now his wig’s fallen off.

And it’s back on.  But she’s still dead.

….

……..

Stick fucking dead.

Fuck no.

COME ON IMPROVGODS! SAVE GRANDMA!

—-

——

AND THE LIGHTS ARE OUT.

They’re back on.

……

Big Richard’s having a heart attack too

…..

THEY’RE BOTH FUCKING DEAD.

22:11 – Well. I’m traumatized. That was fucking tragic.

22:12 – Virginia and Woolfe are renewing their vows.

Grandma is meant to be there… but she isn’t… because she just fucking die.

The Pope is there, and wants to get everyone to pay their respects and sing a song…

Father Priest wants to get on with the vows.  The pope informs them all that grandma’s dead.

“But this is still a happy scene” says the voice of God.

The Pope is STILL trying to make it a solemn scene.

“It’s like making a house out of cake.” says God. Or the Director.

They’re back to celebrating the renewed vows.

The Pope is trying to make them sing their vows in song. And they’re going to do it. Acapela.  (Which is probably entirely NOT spelt like that. But I honestly have no idea at this point)

Or not. They have accompaniment.

And the song’s over.

Now they’re re-married. Scene over.

22:16 – Another thing.

Jebedebbieharrydiah and Cleo are doing the Willy Wonka thing.

Eveline and Bobby have one golden ticket. A german guy has another. A possibly French chick does another thing, and someone else is someone else. Everyone apart from the characters we know is a “grotesque chricahtuer” Spelling is out the fucking window fo’ sho’.

Oh, and there’s the TV kid. He exists also.

There’s a giant marshmallow. The German kid’s been picked off. by it.

That was fairly fucking disturbing.

22:19 – Next, a wood of surprisingly large knives – which just killed another kid. Maybe.

Another kid has just ben kidnapped and possibly raped and/or eaten to death by Ooompa Loompahs

Now we’re at the corridoor of lists with open shafts.  Another kid down.

Or. Up.  He fell upwards.

22:22 – Eveline and Bobby just drank something with bubbles. They started floating…

… and passed a Sultan buggering the motorcycle helmet guy from Hogwarts….

And now they’re unfloating.

Jebededfandabbydoozie is offering them the hotel. Eveline and Bobby that is. Not the Sultan and the Motocycle guy. That wouldn’t make sense at all.

22:24

“We have two special sets of keys for the hotel.  This if you lose the first set. That opens the front door. And if you lose this set, you can use this one, which is invisible”

BOBBY REFUSED THE FUCKING HOTEL!!!???!!!

a) because they drank the fizzy lifting drink
b) because there are dead bodies of children EVERYWHERE. And people falling upwards, and oompa loompas, and sulatns that bugger motorcycle guys.

Decision made. Bobby and Eveline are… going back to Butlins!

22:26 – Father Hanson and The Pope have a touching scene that is totally real and emotional.

Made all the more so by the backdrop being… THE DANA ANDERSON MEMORIAL FOUNTAIN.

So. This isn’t at all not-emotional. There’s spanking and felching and creampieing oh my.

22:28 – The fountain’s been switched to ‘post-coital’ because it was reaching climax and was making more noisetalkings than the actors in the damn scene.

Father Priestinton wants to kill the whole relationship thing.

The Pope isn’t so sure she wants that. She thinks she needs him

She’s also confused by the phrase “Is The Pope Catholic”

And may want an entire explanation of Catholicism.

Aside: I’ve spent the last hour thinking there was someone sitting right next to me on either side, and there’s nobody within a five foot radius.

“You can go and have sex with anyone you want. Because you’re the pope.”

True story.

The Pope is encouraging Father Priestinngton to step into the light.

He still has wedding to perform…

… But no… she insists… and into the light he goes.

22:32 – Richard Famous is alone in bed… and so he conspires… to have himself sexually assaulted.

He’s putting everything exactly where it was the last time it happened.

“This table was here. This chair was here. And this snow queen bullet was definitely NOT here.”

22:35 – What’s the time?
!!!!! It’s RAPE O’CLOCK !!!!!!

22:28 – It’s been 3 minutes of build up to rape. I don’t think this is going to happen…

“This music is making me feel like a spy”

And the music’s changed. Let’s get it fucking on!

IT’S 22:39 – IT’S RAPE O’CLOCK!!!!

no. Wait. Not yet.

“What am I doing? I went to drama school!” / “In real life, I’m a doctor…”

22:41 – It’s  RAPE O’CLOCK!!!

No. It’s ALMOST RAPE O’CLOCK

22:42 – And she’s putting lipstick on him…. And I fell off my chair.

It’s the MOTHER FUCKING NATIONAL ANTHEM AGAIN

You know what that means?!?!?!

IT’S……..

IT’S…………

RAPE O’CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!

22:44 – It’s WELSH VEGAS. and I’M USING TOO MANY CAPS!

EVELINE and BOBBY are GETTING MARRIED

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS.

Welsh Elvis is taking the ceremony.

22:46 – They’re now WELSICALLY MARRIED!

22:47 – Meanwhile, Iowna and Burt are heading out on their funeral – wait – honeymoon – and are being sent off by everyone who isn’t dead.

And also by three members of the audience. Apparently.

One last Body Slam. It’s an emotionally charged one. Yeah. Totally.

22:48 – And they’re saying goodbye to… One pf the audience members, who’s being called ‘Uncle Larry’.

…. Who is now not Uncle Larry… He’s Puck.

WHAT. THE. PUCK. IS GOING. ON????

Puck has gifted them with sparkly things.

22:49 – And now… the couple leave.

22:50 – Iowna and Burt are on the Music Boat now…. punting… to Mexico…

And it’s now a Musical Number… with like, a handful of minutes ’til the show ends….

22:52 – Ow. Fell off my chair again.

The directors were having a heart attack, so I ran over to the band and tried to encourage them to wrap up musical number without anyone noticing. I think I got away with it,  apart from admitting it now.

– Cleo and Jebeadiabetica have decided they want to keep the hotel AFTER ALL.  The hotel makes every visitor’s life better.
Apart from those who die there….

22:53 – Eveline and Bobby are having a perfect life in Butlins.  Bobby is telling jokes. As a double act. Who read jokes from cards.

“Why do they call horses, horses?” / “Because they speak English”.   – that was pretty much the best out of the funnies that were thrown out.

22:55 – Ivona Wolfe introduces her new boyfriend/rape victim to her father. In a scene where Richard is tied up in make–shift bandage gear.
Lights up, a look from Wilf and lights down.  Genius.

22:56 – In heaven,  Grandma,  Big Richard, Sunday the crime-dog and their baby are happy ever after.
Sunday is a crime-fighting dog. Let’s get that straight – if he were a crime-dog he’d be out committing crimes, not solving them. Like an evil alternate universe scooby doo.

Just under 4 minutes left and It’s THE  FINAL SCENES.

“I’m going to take some heroin” – now THAT’S good directing.

Cleo and Jededddiadddidah say goodbye to all the guests. Who have already all kinda left, haven’t they? I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE!

“If you’re going to fuck a pope, make sure it’s a fittie”

Fibonacci and Honey have learnt that !+!=5.  And also 1+1=5.  They’re talking about making babies. with maths. That’s not how babies are made, I can tell you that right this instant/

Stan and Silky quit thier jobs and decided to do other not-job things.  Did Stanley have a job?

The pope is… still the pope.

Ivona and Richard have learnt that if it’s consensual, and there’s a good beat, and one of you is dressed like a tiger, then rape is fun for everyone involved.

Louis Armstrong is back!  And now he’s gone!

It’s the LAST 30 SECONDS OF THE SHOW. Let’s wrap this drooling fucktard up….

Jebedabbidooba is a better man. And Cleo  has wisdom for him and for us. It is not only wisdom that makes perfect sense, but it has bettered and enriched the lives of EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN BOTH THE CAST AND AUDIENCE. But you don’t get to hear it, because you didn’t come to the show.

Ha.

————————–

AND THAT’S THE MOTHER FUCKING SHOW  2011 GODDAM MINUTES.

HELLS  YEAH!

Congratulations to the cast, the crew, the directors, the volunteers, and so the fuck on,….

————————

I’ve been Doctor Captain Lee Isserow, faithfully transcribing (and meandering) for the last sixtytwelveteen hours of this show.  I hope you enjoyed and/or understood any of it.

Join us in 2012 for A WHOLE NEW MENTAL BRAINRAPER OF A SHOW as we do this ALL OVER AGAIN,  for 2012 minutes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HAHAHA.

HA.

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